One, I don't know why I am writing this here, and two I don't know what I expect to come from it. Throughout my life, a nagging feeling has followed me, namely that of "unreality." I don't like that term, because it seems medicalizing to me, like I have a disorder or problem (which is probably true in some way, because I don't think most people are gripped by this), but it's the closest thing I've found to the idea felt within a sensation of feeling like one is not real. Without a label, I can only articulate brief and vague suggestions, which are routinely dismissed or misunderstood, and I'll admit it's nobody's fault but mine because I'm no good at describing this. It's as if I'm just a recording, playing through someone else's life, or that I am in a dream, about to wake up. Sometimes this feeling is brief, just a few seconds, sometimes it's dominating and I can't shake it. Sometimes I forget about it, in the heat of passion, especially anger or wrath, but it'll come back eventually. Sometimes I embrace it, because if it's true that everything's an illusion, then what's the point of fear? and sometimes it causes me to tremble in fear, because I don't want my life to shatter and fall away, I love its sensations and twists and turns. I think sometimes there's another world out there, where I'll wake up, and this one will vanish like the whispers of dreams in the morning. Or it'll just be one big cosmic DMT machine elf joke. And while I think I did fry my head a little with psychedelic drugs, this feeling has been with me for longer than my drug dabbling. I told my mom about this one time when I was a child and she told me I was on that computer too much (which was true). I figure there's nothing to do but find a favorite cope for this, something I think I've done without intention, such as pursuing literature, philosophy, and so on, trying to move my perspective, feel like everything is "natural", that this isn't a genetic heritage of madness rearing its ugly head (which is one of my greatest fears). And what's to be done anyway? It's a feeling, nothing more, so why does it vex me and cause my thinking mind to want to quench it, understand it, even tame it and use it to my advantage by fighting back against other more material anxieties? This should go into my diary, but I think I really just want to echo it into the void and valley of the internet, which is probably the instigator of this whole mess. Here's a psychological insight: I dwell often on Nietzsche's metaphor in the Use and Abuse of History, when he says man envies the grazing cow because they cannot even fathom psychological trouble, cosmic distress. I wish that were the case, and if I am to just be vaporized and really one day wake up (or go insane), I would not have the burden of remembering sanity.
Anonymous :
1 day ago :
No.9704
>>9725
>>9704
Sometimes it's random, sometimes it's considering something that contradicts life, such as death.
>>9713
I don't know, that's what I tell myself these days (that it's normal), but I think most people will go, "huh, yeah, I guess the world is a bit illusionary," and go on with their lives. I mean, this feeling hasn't necessarily ruined my life (though I wonder what it'd be like if I were more "within myself"), I still make decisions about my future and present as if reality has real stakes.
>Most of life is convention (or a lie, if you look at it from another pov), and sometimes the seams are quite visible.
By life, do you mean living reality? Because socially, I've always been quite aware of the constructed nature of things. I suppose the feeling (in the OP) goes beyond convention or lie sometimes, it's like a doubling of my sense of existing.
>>9719
>It's not a 'high IQ' thing either, its an "in my head thinking too much" thing.
I agree with this. I'm not very smart. I think I actually have some sort of math brain disability, because I find it extremely difficult to work out certain mathematical problems vs how it seems other people do.
>My advice is to pick between living in your head, and living IRL.
Yeah, I try my best to live IRL, but I'm not good at it.
--
Another thought is that another concept which gets close to this feeling is deja vu. Sometimes I have a kind of deja vu mixed with paranoia, that I'm living in some sort of trickster world. Actually, when I'm most stressed, sometimes I have thought everybody is playing a trick on me, and that they know more, and there's a sort of laugh at my existence, but I've dismissed this as being some sort of anxious madness.
Is there any particular line of thinking that sparks this feeling
Anonymous :
1 day ago :
No.9713
>>9725
>>9704
Sometimes it's random, sometimes it's considering something that contradicts life, such as death.
>>9713
I don't know, that's what I tell myself these days (that it's normal), but I think most people will go, "huh, yeah, I guess the world is a bit illusionary," and go on with their lives. I mean, this feeling hasn't necessarily ruined my life (though I wonder what it'd be like if I were more "within myself"), I still make decisions about my future and present as if reality has real stakes.
>Most of life is convention (or a lie, if you look at it from another pov), and sometimes the seams are quite visible.
By life, do you mean living reality? Because socially, I've always been quite aware of the constructed nature of things. I suppose the feeling (in the OP) goes beyond convention or lie sometimes, it's like a doubling of my sense of existing.
>>9719
>It's not a 'high IQ' thing either, its an "in my head thinking too much" thing.
I agree with this. I'm not very smart. I think I actually have some sort of math brain disability, because I find it extremely difficult to work out certain mathematical problems vs how it seems other people do.
>My advice is to pick between living in your head, and living IRL.
Yeah, I try my best to live IRL, but I'm not good at it.
--
Another thought is that another concept which gets close to this feeling is deja vu. Sometimes I have a kind of deja vu mixed with paranoia, that I'm living in some sort of trickster world. Actually, when I'm most stressed, sometimes I have thought everybody is playing a trick on me, and that they know more, and there's a sort of laugh at my existence, but I've dismissed this as being some sort of anxious madness.
Isn't this pretty normal? Most of life is convention (or a lie, if you look at it from another pov), and sometimes the seams are quite visible. Some people see them more than others.
Anonymous :
1 day ago :
No.9719
>>9725
>>9704
Sometimes it's random, sometimes it's considering something that contradicts life, such as death.
>>9713
I don't know, that's what I tell myself these days (that it's normal), but I think most people will go, "huh, yeah, I guess the world is a bit illusionary," and go on with their lives. I mean, this feeling hasn't necessarily ruined my life (though I wonder what it'd be like if I were more "within myself"), I still make decisions about my future and present as if reality has real stakes.
>Most of life is convention (or a lie, if you look at it from another pov), and sometimes the seams are quite visible.
By life, do you mean living reality? Because socially, I've always been quite aware of the constructed nature of things. I suppose the feeling (in the OP) goes beyond convention or lie sometimes, it's like a doubling of my sense of existing.
>>9719
>It's not a 'high IQ' thing either, its an "in my head thinking too much" thing.
I agree with this. I'm not very smart. I think I actually have some sort of math brain disability, because I find it extremely difficult to work out certain mathematical problems vs how it seems other people do.
>My advice is to pick between living in your head, and living IRL.
Yeah, I try my best to live IRL, but I'm not good at it.
--
Another thought is that another concept which gets close to this feeling is deja vu. Sometimes I have a kind of deja vu mixed with paranoia, that I'm living in some sort of trickster world. Actually, when I'm most stressed, sometimes I have thought everybody is playing a trick on me, and that they know more, and there's a sort of laugh at my existence, but I've dismissed this as being some sort of anxious madness.
Without quoting some genius... you know the quote about philosophy not bringing happiness but actually a deeper understanding of how horrible everything is? That's where you're at right now.
It's not a 'high IQ' thing either, its an "in my head thinking too much" thing.
I should know, I suffer from it too. In my down time I find my self ruminating on ideas that bring me almost out of this world to only make reality feel dull. My advice is to pick between living in your head, and living IRL.
>>9704
Is there any particular line of thinking that sparks this feeling
Sometimes it's random, sometimes it's considering something that contradicts life, such as death.
>>9713Isn't this pretty normal? Most of life is convention (or a lie, if you look at it from another pov), and sometimes the seams are quite visible. Some people see them more than others.
I don't know, that's what I tell myself these days (that it's normal), but I think most people will go, "huh, yeah, I guess the world is a bit illusionary," and go on with their lives. I mean, this feeling hasn't necessarily ruined my life (though I wonder what it'd be like if I were more "within myself"), I still make decisions about my future and present as if reality has real stakes.
>Most of life is convention (or a lie, if you look at it from another pov), and sometimes the seams are quite visible.
By life, do you mean living reality? Because socially, I've always been quite aware of the constructed nature of things. I suppose the feeling (in the OP) goes beyond convention or lie sometimes, it's like a doubling of my sense of existing.
>>9719Without quoting some genius... you know the quote about philosophy not bringing happiness but actually a deeper understanding of how horrible everything is? That's where you're at right now.
It's not a 'high IQ' thing either, its an "in my head thinking too much" thing.
I should know, I suffer from it too. In my down time I find my self ruminating on ideas that bring me almost out of this world to only make reality feel dull. My advice is to pick between living in your head, and living IRL.
>It's not a 'high IQ' thing either, its an "in my head thinking too much" thing.
I agree with this. I'm not very smart. I think I actually have some sort of math brain disability, because I find it extremely difficult to work out certain mathematical problems vs how it seems other people do.
>My advice is to pick between living in your head, and living IRL.
Yeah, I try my best to live IRL, but I'm not good at it.
--
Another thought is that another concept which gets close to this feeling is deja vu. Sometimes I have a kind of deja vu mixed with paranoia, that I'm living in some sort of trickster world. Actually, when I'm most stressed, sometimes I have thought everybody is playing a trick on me, and that they know more, and there's a sort of laugh at my existence, but I've dismissed this as being some sort of anxious madness.
I think the appropriate thing to do here is to peel back the symbolism you've associated with this, try to line up the various experiences you've had that have invoked this feeling, and try to zoom in on the exact sensation at the middle of all of those experiences.
When I've had experiences like you've described, the thing at the center is a kind of ... nauseating awareness? of my life and my world. Like having a really clear meditative awareness of everything at moments when it's behaviorally inappropriate. At one level I think it's a failure of the normal feedback loop between observation and intentional action -- like you suddenly forget the frame of reference of being a motivated, intentional person and suddenly discover there's a bunch of random shit going on. I think it's related to anxiety, because in anxiety and neuroticism there's this prevalent second-guessing of intention.