https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VE6NZ4bsmow post something you've made
Post something you've made :
Anonymous :
353 days ago :
No.267
>>510
>>267 (OP)
Very Gesamtkunstwerk, this is impressive (and I'm surprised there is not more of this type of art now that the means of art production are in the hands of everyone).
>>826>>267 (OP)
>>280
Wow that's super cool, I'm stoked for your next album, I especially like the visuals, interested in how you made them
https://moth11.net/design/superabundance/
here are (currently) 2 (i hope i can make more) zines i made. i think the second one is maybe better but i'm too afraid to look at them again lest i die of cringe
Anonymous :
352 days ago :
No.268
>>280
>>268
Thanks, I appreciate it! A big part of it was having undiagnosed ADHD and not knowing what the fuck was wrong with me. Currently working on the next album
Appreciate the choice track too, a lot of people I showed it to irl liked songs that were more fun like twizzlers. I think my biggest fuckup was thx,despair because I really blundered some of the lyrics and delivery
listened to your album. overall I did enjoy it... i've listened to a few of these sorts of lo-fi homebrew projects over the years and this is definitely in the top half.
vaguely irritating and surprisingly vibey by alternate turns.
choice track: beer.and.kerosene
Anonymous :
352 days ago :
No.280
>>281
>>280
So I listened again to most of the album today. And it definitely grew on me. And yeah I really like beer.and.kerosene, reminds me of Panchiko, and really evokes (to me) that feeling of being at a party and feeling the need to 'perform', to be the life and soul, even if you're not feeling it at all.
>>366>>280
haha the twizzlers song fucking rocks. Keep it up man. Your stuff is weird and fun
>>826>>267 (OP)
>>280
Wow that's super cool, I'm stoked for your next album, I especially like the visuals, interested in how you made them
https://moth11.net/design/superabundance/
here are (currently) 2 (i hope i can make more) zines i made. i think the second one is maybe better but i'm too afraid to look at them again lest i die of cringe
>>268
listened to your album. overall I did enjoy it... i've listened to a few of these sorts of lo-fi homebrew projects over the years and this is definitely in the top half.
vaguely irritating and surprisingly vibey by alternate turns.
choice track: beer.and.kerosene
Thanks, I appreciate it! A big part of it was having undiagnosed ADHD and not knowing what the fuck was wrong with me. Currently working on the next album
Appreciate the choice track too, a lot of people I showed it to irl liked songs that were more fun like twizzlers. I think my biggest fuckup was thx,despair because I really blundered some of the lyrics and delivery
>>280
>>268
Thanks, I appreciate it! A big part of it was having undiagnosed ADHD and not knowing what the fuck was wrong with me. Currently working on the next album
Appreciate the choice track too, a lot of people I showed it to irl liked songs that were more fun like twizzlers. I think my biggest fuckup was thx,despair because I really blundered some of the lyrics and delivery
So I listened again to most of the album today. And it definitely grew on me. And yeah I really like beer.and.kerosene, reminds me of Panchiko, and really evokes (to me) that feeling of being at a party and feeling the need to 'perform', to be the life and soul, even if you're not feeling it at all.
bump
>>280
>>268
Thanks, I appreciate it! A big part of it was having undiagnosed ADHD and not knowing what the fuck was wrong with me. Currently working on the next album
Appreciate the choice track too, a lot of people I showed it to irl liked songs that were more fun like twizzlers. I think my biggest fuckup was thx,despair because I really blundered some of the lyrics and delivery
haha the twizzlers song fucking rocks. Keep it up man. Your stuff is weird and fun
>>281
>>280
So I listened again to most of the album today. And it definitely grew on me. And yeah I really like beer.and.kerosene, reminds me of Panchiko, and really evokes (to me) that feeling of being at a party and feeling the need to 'perform', to be the life and soul, even if you're not feeling it at all.
Nailed the feeling! Interesting being compared to pachinko haha, I do love their music
>>366>>280
haha the twizzlers song fucking rocks. Keep it up man. Your stuff is weird and fun
Thanks, I appreciate it big dog
>>347
This piece evolves in an interesting way. I enjoy the sample. Need to listen to it some more times to know if I really like it
>>267 (OP)
Very Gesamtkunstwerk, this is impressive (and I'm surprised there is not more of this type of art now that the means of art production are in the hands of everyone).
Anonymous :
250 days ago :
No.826
>>865
>>826
Thank you :)
Old hard drive failed so I unfortunately don't have any scrapped visuals I can show you. SWIM made everything in pirated photoshop, premier pro and after effects. The visuals without filming were made by generating shapes and then fucking with the filters till I liked it. The ones with film were also me fucking with filters. Lots of chroma key, sharpen, color shift. Camera limitations involved the aspect ratio and only being able to film in 60 second increments. Before I filmed I thumbnailed out all my ideas, but I few of them were scrapped mid filming and we improvised. I used Avidemux to datamosh for frogz, space.jammin.pt1, and wobble.wobble. Ancient and shitty program but I couldn't get anything else to work. Let me know if you have any questions!
Bookmarked your site! Read through the first zine and I liked a lot of the visual design. The chromatic aberration was done quite tastefully and I really love how the cream/black/red work together.
>twitchy, agitated interpassivity, an inability to concentrate or focus...
>Literally me
Well, you said what I was going to!
Ska fact:
Why isn't streetlight manifesto ska?
Because they actually sound good!
>>267 (OP)
>>280
>>268
Thanks, I appreciate it! A big part of it was having undiagnosed ADHD and not knowing what the fuck was wrong with me. Currently working on the next album
Appreciate the choice track too, a lot of people I showed it to irl liked songs that were more fun like twizzlers. I think my biggest fuckup was thx,despair because I really blundered some of the lyrics and delivery
Wow that's super cool, I'm stoked for your next album, I especially like the visuals, interested in how you made them
https://moth11.net/design/superabundance/
here are (currently) 2 (i hope i can make more) zines i made. i think the second one is maybe better but i'm too afraid to look at them again lest i die of cringe
Anonymous :
235 days ago :
No.865
>>1083
>>865
listening to your stuff again after seeing it before and enjoying it anon.
are you still making music?
>>826
>>267 (OP)
>>280
Wow that's super cool, I'm stoked for your next album, I especially like the visuals, interested in how you made them
https://moth11.net/design/superabundance/
here are (currently) 2 (i hope i can make more) zines i made. i think the second one is maybe better but i'm too afraid to look at them again lest i die of cringe
Thank you :)
Old hard drive failed so I unfortunately don't have any scrapped visuals I can show you. SWIM made everything in pirated photoshop, premier pro and after effects. The visuals without filming were made by generating shapes and then fucking with the filters till I liked it. The ones with film were also me fucking with filters. Lots of chroma key, sharpen, color shift. Camera limitations involved the aspect ratio and only being able to film in 60 second increments. Before I filmed I thumbnailed out all my ideas, but I few of them were scrapped mid filming and we improvised. I used Avidemux to datamosh for frogz, space.jammin.pt1, and wobble.wobble. Ancient and shitty program but I couldn't get anything else to work. Let me know if you have any questions!
Bookmarked your site! Read through the first zine and I liked a lot of the visual design. The chromatic aberration was done quite tastefully and I really love how the cream/black/red work together.
>twitchy, agitated interpassivity, an inability to concentrate or focus...
>Literally me
Well, you said what I was going to!
Ska fact:
Why isn't streetlight manifesto ska?
Because they actually sound good!
Shameless bump 70 days later
Anonymous :
157 days ago :
No.1083
>>1101
>>1083
Yes! Currently working on the second album. It's impossible to say how far I'm done since constantly the themes and the sounds are changing and it's terrifying to cement them in place because they need to be absolutely perfect or everything is fucked
I have two folders of songs, one being songs I'm almost certain will end up on the album, the other being songs that are completely experimental/just me fucking around and are consequently dogshit half the time. No idea what to do with them yet.
Here's an example of an experimental one: https://voca.ro/1ljv4A61SDd2
Also finally got a camera (ricoh caplio r6) that's perfect and started recording footage. See attached photo.
>>865
>>826
Thank you :)
Old hard drive failed so I unfortunately don't have any scrapped visuals I can show you. SWIM made everything in pirated photoshop, premier pro and after effects. The visuals without filming were made by generating shapes and then fucking with the filters till I liked it. The ones with film were also me fucking with filters. Lots of chroma key, sharpen, color shift. Camera limitations involved the aspect ratio and only being able to film in 60 second increments. Before I filmed I thumbnailed out all my ideas, but I few of them were scrapped mid filming and we improvised. I used Avidemux to datamosh for frogz, space.jammin.pt1, and wobble.wobble. Ancient and shitty program but I couldn't get anything else to work. Let me know if you have any questions!
Bookmarked your site! Read through the first zine and I liked a lot of the visual design. The chromatic aberration was done quite tastefully and I really love how the cream/black/red work together.
>twitchy, agitated interpassivity, an inability to concentrate or focus...
>Literally me
Well, you said what I was going to!
Ska fact:
Why isn't streetlight manifesto ska?
Because they actually sound good!
listening to your stuff again after seeing it before and enjoying it anon.
are you still making music?
>>1083
>>865
listening to your stuff again after seeing it before and enjoying it anon.
are you still making music?
Yes! Currently working on the second album. It's impossible to say how far I'm done since constantly the themes and the sounds are changing and it's terrifying to cement them in place because they need to be absolutely perfect or everything is fucked
I have two folders of songs, one being songs I'm almost certain will end up on the album, the other being songs that are completely experimental/just me fucking around and are consequently dogshit half the time. No idea what to do with them yet.
Here's an example of an experimental one: https://voca.ro/1ljv4A61SDd2
Also finally got a camera (ricoh caplio r6) that's perfect and started recording footage. See attached photo.
>>1101
>>1083
Yes! Currently working on the second album. It's impossible to say how far I'm done since constantly the themes and the sounds are changing and it's terrifying to cement them in place because they need to be absolutely perfect or everything is fucked
I have two folders of songs, one being songs I'm almost certain will end up on the album, the other being songs that are completely experimental/just me fucking around and are consequently dogshit half the time. No idea what to do with them yet.
Here's an example of an experimental one: https://voca.ro/1ljv4A61SDd2
Also finally got a camera (ricoh caplio r6) that's perfect and started recording footage. See attached photo.
sick, looking forward to it. very cool picture.
Petrarchan #1
-------------
Her reddened cheeks are not the red of roses.
Her bluish eyes say nothing of the sea.
From earth and ocean came she not to me.
I breathe her incandescence as she dozes.
Her body is a problem that she poses—
Her arching back is sheer geometry.
Her thighs disclose the way to solve for c.
I breathe my ragged song and she transposes.
At midday we are like two novice ramblers
Who've hiked a path that neither had foreknown
And reached the fork at which they must depart.
A natural resolution, without sadness.
Yet later as I face the night alone
A violet bruise does blossom on my heart.
It's giving Lenin
Thanks friend. It's a self portrait so if you happen to see someone who looks like that on the street, be sure to say hello :)
bump
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2832
>>2833
>>2832
that's very cool, you've got to show us the boat now
>>2845>>2832
Yeah. I put a nice bilge pump in, one made for a boat twice as big. You start by building the hull upside down then once it's planked you flip it to finish. I sheathed the bottom with fiber glass cloth for a bit of added protection.
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2837
>>2839
>>2837
It's not a kit. I milled every piece of lumber myself. It took 1600 hours over 2 years. My dumbass found an old Popular Mechanics magazine from the fifties with it on the cover. Inside it said something like "build a boat in a weekend for $20". I thought, I can do that. 2 years and 17k later; here we are. I stretched it to 20' and use it out on the Great Lakes. It's a perfect date boat. Sink, little grill, composting toilet & sleepd two very comfy. I put shore power in it so there's enough water & electricity to stay out for 48 hours and be ok. It surveyed for 55k back in 2020 so I didn't loose money which is cool. I'm building a 30' tug yacht now.
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2839
>>2840
>>2839
*sleeps
*lose
I'm on my phone
>>2842>>2839
I'm ridiculously impressed. How does making the hull work? Do you have to build a frame first? What about the waterproofing, how is that achieved? Are there bilge pumps?
>>2837
>>2835
wow, is it a kit of some sort or did you design and build it all from scratch? how long did it take? are you a carpenter / boat builder by trade?
It's not a kit. I milled every piece of lumber myself. It took 1600 hours over 2 years. My dumbass found an old Popular Mechanics magazine from the fifties with it on the cover. Inside it said something like "build a boat in a weekend for $20". I thought, I can do that. 2 years and 17k later; here we are. I stretched it to 20' and use it out on the Great Lakes. It's a perfect date boat. Sink, little grill, composting toilet & sleepd two very comfy. I put shore power in it so there's enough water & electricity to stay out for 48 hours and be ok. It surveyed for 55k back in 2020 so I didn't loose money which is cool. I'm building a 30' tug yacht now.
>>2839
>>2837
It's not a kit. I milled every piece of lumber myself. It took 1600 hours over 2 years. My dumbass found an old Popular Mechanics magazine from the fifties with it on the cover. Inside it said something like "build a boat in a weekend for $20". I thought, I can do that. 2 years and 17k later; here we are. I stretched it to 20' and use it out on the Great Lakes. It's a perfect date boat. Sink, little grill, composting toilet & sleepd two very comfy. I put shore power in it so there's enough water & electricity to stay out for 48 hours and be ok. It surveyed for 55k back in 2020 so I didn't loose money which is cool. I'm building a 30' tug yacht now.
*sleeps
*lose
I'm on my phone
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2841
>>2857 >>3059
>>2841
Sorry for adding to the pile-on, but I didn't really like your story either. I found the prose to be very stilted and the choice of metaphors to be very cliched. It feels at once overly literal -- i.e. shoe leather, and at the same time without that hard-boiled terseness that is essential to the detective genre.
Take this random passage from your story:
---
Harding drew strongly from his pipe; a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips.
“The international criminal Henri Hennequin—”
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding. Hennequin was his cat-and-mouse chase for well over a decade.
---
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked [...] -- simply grammatically incorrect
'a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips' -- purse smile is an unusual phrase, the idiomatic phrase is 'pursed lips'
Why not replace this long awkward sentence with 'he pursed his lips?' To me it seems overwritten and makes short scenes drag.
'sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding' -- again, awkward phrasing 'sparked a flare.' The metaphor itself is hackneyed and here it is not expressed in a natural way.
Compare your writing to a random passage from Raymond Chandler:
---
He crossed the room slowly, lightfooted, without a care in the world. His enormous back hid the door. It was locked. He shook it and a piece of the panel flew off to one side. He went through and shut the door behind him.
There was silence. I looked at the barman. The barman looked at me. His eyes became thoughtful. He polished the counter and sighed and leaned down with his right arm.
I reached across the counter and took hold of the arm. It was thin, brittle. I held it and smiled at him.
---
There is more liveliness in small gestures, communicated simply but with meaning. More has happened in fewer words, and the literalness prevents cliche. I'm not saying this random paragraph is by itself totally mind blowing, but if you intend to write genre fiction, you would do well to emulate more closely skilled writers.
I would also recommend adding some sort of intrigue or hook far far sooner. Nothing in the plot keeps you reading or makes you curious until the kidnapping way at the end, and, from the other feedback you've gotten, most readers are already long gone.
As for your responses to the (not very tactful) feedback in this thread: 'you clearly can't create' is a bit of a conversational blunder, no? You should not use 'It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week' as a defense. It makes much more sense to boast about creating good work in short time than coping about how bad work somehow doesn't count because you couldn't be bothered to take the time to polish it.
All that being said, you still get a participation trophy. Obviously it is difficult to put your work in front of others etc. etc. I don't think you should stop writing, but wait to develop an ego until your output is more skillful.
>>2839
>>2837
It's not a kit. I milled every piece of lumber myself. It took 1600 hours over 2 years. My dumbass found an old Popular Mechanics magazine from the fifties with it on the cover. Inside it said something like "build a boat in a weekend for $20". I thought, I can do that. 2 years and 17k later; here we are. I stretched it to 20' and use it out on the Great Lakes. It's a perfect date boat. Sink, little grill, composting toilet & sleepd two very comfy. I put shore power in it so there's enough water & electricity to stay out for 48 hours and be ok. It surveyed for 55k back in 2020 so I didn't loose money which is cool. I'm building a 30' tug yacht now.
I'm ridiculously impressed. How does making the hull work? Do you have to build a frame first? What about the waterproofing, how is that achieved? Are there bilge pumps?
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2847
>>2871
>>2847
A little bit of both. The spruce chines took a curve pretty easy. The 1" thick white oak on the bottom needed steam and muscle.
>>2845
>>2832
Yeah. I put a nice bilge pump in, one made for a boat twice as big. You start by building the hull upside down then once it's planked you flip it to finish. I sheathed the bottom with fiber glass cloth for a bit of added protection.
When it comes to bending the beams, is that something you do yourself? Does it require steam/heat or just brute force?
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2857
>>2860
>>2857
It's a detective story. You clearly can't create, so instead you must hurl insults.
>>2841
Utterly bland and soulless. Couldn't even make it halfway in.
>>1950
background i made
I quite like this and can imagine it fitting in well in an animation or game. The splattered texture is not overdone (as it oft is) and the perspective is quite nice and immersive
>>2630
kino, please keep posting
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2860
>>2864
>>2860
He said nice things to the other two guys. Change your diaper.
>>2911>>2860
>>2898
A work has to meet a certain bare minimum for critique to be useful. "Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you - they were my genunine feelings on what I read. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
>>2908
>The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism
If that's what you interpreted his deflections as, your critical thinking skills are on par with his writing skills.
>It's a small community so it has to be a hugbox!!!
His comment wasn't very negative. If you're so thin-skinned, perhaps the board would be better of with 11.
>>2857
It's a detective story. You clearly can't create, so instead you must hurl insults.
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2868
>>2886
>>2868
But you accused him of being unable to create on account of insulting you. He complimented others. You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly? I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors ("purse smile," the capital in "The legal attaché inquired," "Don’t let your guard up!" &c), besides so far being full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story given your meandering build-up to the musician front. Your style is slow and boring and doesn't indicate that it's going to get any better. As a story it is so far no more than a kid in a costume.
I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
I've read the whole thing and it felt like inadvertent satire. I'll give you some credit for writing something that made me chuckle. You could probably trim it down to a third of its length with the same major plots points and it would have an okay length and level of excitement, but besides outright errors, there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation. I can laugh at it in short-form, but it'd be annoying in anything longer, and indicates a lack of depth to your writing and planning, i.e., a shallow story.
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2869
>>2884
>>2869
Nice. It's actually pretty fun. I ended up playing for way longer than I expected. Gave up on level 4 tho, way too hard for me. I'm no good at platformers. Still, it is engaging. The soundtrack is catchy. The gameplay is simple but fun. The difficulty is brutal but the quick resets made me wanna keep playing. I also liked the concept you introduced where you have to revive the goomba things just so you can stomp on them to reach the money. That was cool albeit a little morbid to think about. Anyways, well done anon. I really liked it.
>>3025
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2877
>>2878
>>2877
It's in the early stages. I bought the blueprints and the screws which in a wooden boat should be bronze ($1900) as well as some of the wood. Here are the study plans.
>>2871
>>2847
A little bit of both. The spruce chines took a curve pretty easy. The 1" thick white oak on the bottom needed steam and muscle.
Fascinating stuff. I think this is my favourite thread on the board and this sort of thing is the reason why, thanks for sharing. Would love to see some progress shots of the new boat if you have the inclination to share them.
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2878
>>2879
>>2878
Is this now a significant revenue stream / job for you, or is it still something you're doing alongside a full time job? If the first boat made 38k in (unrealised) profit and the second boat is bigger then it sounds like it's approaching something you could live off depending on your CoL...
>>2877
>>2871
Fascinating stuff. I think this is my favourite thread on the board and this sort of thing is the reason why, thanks for sharing. Would love to see some progress shots of the new boat if you have the inclination to share them.
It's in the early stages. I bought the blueprints and the screws which in a wooden boat should be bronze ($1900) as well as some of the wood. Here are the study plans.
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2879
>>2880
>>2879
It's just a hobby. I work in a machine shop doing metal stuff but I've been in woodshops since I was 5 (50 now). I'm one of those idiots who make things for people because I can. I don't make much money off of my wood stuff because I usually just give things away. I could probably build my other boat a lot quicker if I sold things but I've never been a "money" person. I can pay my bills and my belly is full. I have a wood shop in my house that has everything one could need. My tools go back to the 1860's. I have all my great grandpas stuff, my grandfathers stuff from the 50's and everything I've bought over the past 35 years.
>>2878
>>2877
It's in the early stages. I bought the blueprints and the screws which in a wooden boat should be bronze ($1900) as well as some of the wood. Here are the study plans.
Is this now a significant revenue stream / job for you, or is it still something you're doing alongside a full time job? If the first boat made 38k in (unrealised) profit and the second boat is bigger then it sounds like it's approaching something you could live off depending on your CoL...
Anonymous :
82 days ago :
No.2880
>>2894
>>2880
I hope I'm as contented and capable as you are when I'm fifty.
>>2879
>>2878
Is this now a significant revenue stream / job for you, or is it still something you're doing alongside a full time job? If the first boat made 38k in (unrealised) profit and the second boat is bigger then it sounds like it's approaching something you could live off depending on your CoL...
It's just a hobby. I work in a machine shop doing metal stuff but I've been in woodshops since I was 5 (50 now). I'm one of those idiots who make things for people because I can. I don't make much money off of my wood stuff because I usually just give things away. I could probably build my other boat a lot quicker if I sold things but I've never been a "money" person. I can pay my bills and my belly is full. I have a wood shop in my house that has everything one could need. My tools go back to the 1860's. I have all my great grandpas stuff, my grandfathers stuff from the 50's and everything I've bought over the past 35 years.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2884
>>3001
>>2884
Glad you enjoyed it. I know I went a little bit too far with the difficulty, but some people like games that way (me being one). Someday (in the not so probable future) I want to make it into a full fledged game, with a better difficulty curve and also edgier.
>>2869
Nice. It's actually pretty fun. I ended up playing for way longer than I expected. Gave up on level 4 tho, way too hard for me. I'm no good at platformers. Still, it is engaging. The soundtrack is catchy. The gameplay is simple but fun. The difficulty is brutal but the quick resets made me wanna keep playing. I also liked the concept you introduced where you have to revive the goomba things just so you can stomp on them to reach the money. That was cool albeit a little morbid to think about. Anyways, well done anon. I really liked it.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2886
>>2898
>>2886
>You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
I'll rephrase what I said and make it clear that you can dislike something and still be creative, and I encourage the anon to share whatever it is that he expresses himself through. I just honestly wasn't expecting such a brash reply in something as simple as sharing a little genre fiction. I never claimed to be a literary paragon.
>Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly?
I believe that if anyone's work hasn't earned someone's full interest to finish it then they shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say.
>I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors
I apologize for these errors, and I thank you for raising them. I may slip up and make a mistake here or there and forget to correct it.
>full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story.
This story is the first in a few that are meant to be an homage to the spy fiction genre (i.e., Richard Hannay, James Bond, etc.) I'm not trying to really innovate here. I think the setting during Italy's Years of Lead makes for an interesting spy/detective story. That's all.
>I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
You're correct that I was just trying to set the tone and pace. I wanted to describe the perspective of the Harding's experience driving through the streets of Rome and present an air of immersion by emphasizing the feel of the vehicle. I appreciate this point of criticism and will seek to resolve that in future stories.
>there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation; felt like satire
I do agree that there are some elements that I would cut and re-write to better shape the piece and I might do a re-write eventually. The "braze ineptitude of the spy" and the satirical nature of the read was intentional, however. In fact, the first draft of the manuscript had Tommy Harding named after and inspired by William George Keith Elphinstone, but I settled on Harding instead.
>>2868
>>2864
He didn't even read the story. Honestly, I think he just saw a wall of text, scrolled, and said, "nope." No referrals as of April 21.
But you accused him of being unable to create on account of insulting you. He complimented others. You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly? I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors ("purse smile," the capital in "The legal attaché inquired," "Don’t let your guard up!" &c), besides so far being full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story given your meandering build-up to the musician front. Your style is slow and boring and doesn't indicate that it's going to get any better. As a story it is so far no more than a kid in a costume.
I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
I've read the whole thing and it felt like inadvertent satire. I'll give you some credit for writing something that made me chuckle. You could probably trim it down to a third of its length with the same major plots points and it would have an okay length and level of excitement, but besides outright errors, there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation. I can laugh at it in short-form, but it'd be annoying in anything longer, and indicates a lack of depth to your writing and planning, i.e., a shallow story.
>>2880
>>2879
It's just a hobby. I work in a machine shop doing metal stuff but I've been in woodshops since I was 5 (50 now). I'm one of those idiots who make things for people because I can. I don't make much money off of my wood stuff because I usually just give things away. I could probably build my other boat a lot quicker if I sold things but I've never been a "money" person. I can pay my bills and my belly is full. I have a wood shop in my house that has everything one could need. My tools go back to the 1860's. I have all my great grandpas stuff, my grandfathers stuff from the 50's and everything I've bought over the past 35 years.
I hope I'm as contented and capable as you are when I'm fifty.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2898
>>2900
>>2898
Sorry dude, it's bad. It being an homage doesn't change that. Your attempts at providing perspective were near totally superfluous and banal, not immersive. I could see what you were trying to do (re: perspective, tone, and genre), but you didn't do a good job. I was being sincere when I suggested you could cut it down to a third.
Your attempts at satire are masked by the fact that it's very badly and unrealistically written, so while the drinking burning coffee starts to give it away, the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours.
>shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say
Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks. Telling you the start of your story was bland is constructive enough when you're starting from the floor.
>>2911>>2860
>>2898
A work has to meet a certain bare minimum for critique to be useful. "Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you - they were my genunine feelings on what I read. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
>>2908
>The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism
If that's what you interpreted his deflections as, your critical thinking skills are on par with his writing skills.
>It's a small community so it has to be a hugbox!!!
His comment wasn't very negative. If you're so thin-skinned, perhaps the board would be better of with 11.
>>2886
>>2868
But you accused him of being unable to create on account of insulting you. He complimented others. You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly? I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors ("purse smile," the capital in "The legal attaché inquired," "Don’t let your guard up!" &c), besides so far being full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story given your meandering build-up to the musician front. Your style is slow and boring and doesn't indicate that it's going to get any better. As a story it is so far no more than a kid in a costume.
I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
I've read the whole thing and it felt like inadvertent satire. I'll give you some credit for writing something that made me chuckle. You could probably trim it down to a third of its length with the same major plots points and it would have an okay length and level of excitement, but besides outright errors, there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation. I can laugh at it in short-form, but it'd be annoying in anything longer, and indicates a lack of depth to your writing and planning, i.e., a shallow story.
>You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
I'll rephrase what I said and make it clear that you can dislike something and still be creative, and I encourage the anon to share whatever it is that he expresses himself through. I just honestly wasn't expecting such a brash reply in something as simple as sharing a little genre fiction. I never claimed to be a literary paragon.
>Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly?
I believe that if anyone's work hasn't earned someone's full interest to finish it then they shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say.
>I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors
I apologize for these errors, and I thank you for raising them. I may slip up and make a mistake here or there and forget to correct it.
>full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story.
This story is the first in a few that are meant to be an homage to the spy fiction genre (i.e., Richard Hannay, James Bond, etc.) I'm not trying to really innovate here. I think the setting during Italy's Years of Lead makes for an interesting spy/detective story. That's all.
>I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
You're correct that I was just trying to set the tone and pace. I wanted to describe the perspective of the Harding's experience driving through the streets of Rome and present an air of immersion by emphasizing the feel of the vehicle. I appreciate this point of criticism and will seek to resolve that in future stories.
>there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation; felt like satire
I do agree that there are some elements that I would cut and re-write to better shape the piece and I might do a re-write eventually. The "braze ineptitude of the spy" and the satirical nature of the read was intentional, however. In fact, the first draft of the manuscript had Tommy Harding named after and inspired by William George Keith Elphinstone, but I settled on Harding instead.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2900
>>2958
>>2900
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>>2898
>>2886
>You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
I'll rephrase what I said and make it clear that you can dislike something and still be creative, and I encourage the anon to share whatever it is that he expresses himself through. I just honestly wasn't expecting such a brash reply in something as simple as sharing a little genre fiction. I never claimed to be a literary paragon.
>Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly?
I believe that if anyone's work hasn't earned someone's full interest to finish it then they shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say.
>I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors
I apologize for these errors, and I thank you for raising them. I may slip up and make a mistake here or there and forget to correct it.
>full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story.
This story is the first in a few that are meant to be an homage to the spy fiction genre (i.e., Richard Hannay, James Bond, etc.) I'm not trying to really innovate here. I think the setting during Italy's Years of Lead makes for an interesting spy/detective story. That's all.
>I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
You're correct that I was just trying to set the tone and pace. I wanted to describe the perspective of the Harding's experience driving through the streets of Rome and present an air of immersion by emphasizing the feel of the vehicle. I appreciate this point of criticism and will seek to resolve that in future stories.
>there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation; felt like satire
I do agree that there are some elements that I would cut and re-write to better shape the piece and I might do a re-write eventually. The "braze ineptitude of the spy" and the satirical nature of the read was intentional, however. In fact, the first draft of the manuscript had Tommy Harding named after and inspired by William George Keith Elphinstone, but I settled on Harding instead.
Sorry dude, it's bad. It being an homage doesn't change that. Your attempts at providing perspective were near totally superfluous and banal, not immersive. I could see what you were trying to do (re: perspective, tone, and genre), but you didn't do a good job. I was being sincere when I suggested you could cut it down to a third.
Your attempts at satire are masked by the fact that it's very badly and unrealistically written, so while the drinking burning coffee starts to give it away, the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours.
>shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say
Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks. Telling you the start of your story was bland is constructive enough when you're starting from the floor.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2908
>>2909
>>2908
He wrote a bad piece of fiction and snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me), though the points I made weren't made-up to be mean.
>>2910 >>2911>>2860
>>2898
A work has to meet a certain bare minimum for critique to be useful. "Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you - they were my genunine feelings on what I read. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
>>2908
>The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism
If that's what you interpreted his deflections as, your critical thinking skills are on par with his writing skills.
>It's a small community so it has to be a hugbox!!!
His comment wasn't very negative. If you're so thin-skinned, perhaps the board would be better of with 11.
>>2959
>2900
I’m not the guy you’re talking to but why are you being such an asshole? The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism, convo should’ve just ended there tbh. Theres like 12 people on this board. No need to shit it up with such extreme negativity.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2909
>>2910 >>2958
>>2900
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>>2908
>2900
I’m not the guy you’re talking to but why are you being such an asshole? The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism, convo should’ve just ended there tbh. Theres like 12 people on this board. No need to shit it up with such extreme negativity.
He wrote a bad piece of fiction and snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me), though the points I made weren't made-up to be mean.
>>2909
>>2908
He wrote a bad piece of fiction and snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me), though the points I made weren't made-up to be mean.
I think he had rightly or wrongly inferred from his web stats that you hadn't properly read the piece which was the reason for the irritation.
I agree with >>2908>2900
I’m not the guy you’re talking to but why are you being such an asshole? The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism, convo should’ve just ended there tbh. Theres like 12 people on this board. No need to shit it up with such extreme negativity.
that anon did himself credit by taking the criticism good-naturedly when you explained what faults you found in it.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2911
>>2958
>>2900
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>>2860
>>2857
It's a detective story. You clearly can't create, so instead you must hurl insults.
>>2898>>2886
>You think someone disliking your work in particular indicates that they're unable to create?
I'll rephrase what I said and make it clear that you can dislike something and still be creative, and I encourage the anon to share whatever it is that he expresses himself through. I just honestly wasn't expecting such a brash reply in something as simple as sharing a little genre fiction. I never claimed to be a literary paragon.
>Why do you think your work has earned someone's full interest to finish it if they believe its started very poorly?
I believe that if anyone's work hasn't earned someone's full interest to finish it then they shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say.
>I've started reading it and it's already got multiple outright errors
I apologize for these errors, and I thank you for raising them. I may slip up and make a mistake here or there and forget to correct it.
>full of clichés and having little indication of an exciting story.
This story is the first in a few that are meant to be an homage to the spy fiction genre (i.e., Richard Hannay, James Bond, etc.) I'm not trying to really innovate here. I think the setting during Italy's Years of Lead makes for an interesting spy/detective story. That's all.
>I've made it to the second section where this guy is now actually in Rome, and he just "crossed with relative ease through the street," and just now "took a moment to appreciate [his car's] compact frame for expeditious travel in the tight streets of Rome." This is stupid. It does nothing besides bogging down the pace. I imagine it's you trying to set a tone, but it's superfluous. These sorts of descriptions should be used judiciously for describing vital parts of what's going on.
You're correct that I was just trying to set the tone and pace. I wanted to describe the perspective of the Harding's experience driving through the streets of Rome and present an air of immersion by emphasizing the feel of the vehicle. I appreciate this point of criticism and will seek to resolve that in future stories.
>there are also nonsense elements to your plot, like the brazen ineptitude of the spy and his organisation; felt like satire
I do agree that there are some elements that I would cut and re-write to better shape the piece and I might do a re-write eventually. The "braze ineptitude of the spy" and the satirical nature of the read was intentional, however. In fact, the first draft of the manuscript had Tommy Harding named after and inspired by William George Keith Elphinstone, but I settled on Harding instead.
A work has to meet a certain bare minimum for critique to be useful. "Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you - they were my genunine feelings on what I read. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
>>2908>2900
I’m not the guy you’re talking to but why are you being such an asshole? The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism, convo should’ve just ended there tbh. Theres like 12 people on this board. No need to shit it up with such extreme negativity.
>The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism
If that's what you interpreted his deflections as, your critical thinking skills are on par with his writing skills.
>It's a small community so it has to be a hugbox!!!
His comment wasn't very negative. If you're so thin-skinned, perhaps the board would be better of with 11.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2958
>>2988
>>2958
>realism
The ineptitude of the organisation is what's unrealistic. In particular the complete lack of plan and sending the undisguised spy in after someone who knows him. It lacks wit and is not evident as a gag, which will make the reader think that you have not done any planning rather than think you're writing a character who doesn't plan; it still takes work to write an interesting story about someone who's inept. Your thing about him coming off as a second booking agent does this in part, but it comes across more as lazy deus ex machina rather than an against-the-odds success.
>>3006>>2958
>but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad."
>I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically
>but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either.
>intended to be quick stories
If you have a massively defensive reaction to any comments not praising your quite terrible work, don't expect to get much better at writing.
>I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless
This line is very telling. Step outside of your own head, step outside of however precious your work is to you, and try to consider it from other people's perspectives. Instead of getting butthurt, try and reason out the *why*.
>>2958
>If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
Obviously someone else, but I'm glad you had fun getting your insult out. Just because you take the tone of a meek individual, it does not make your ego-driven posts any less ego-driven.
>>2900
>>2898
Sorry dude, it's bad. It being an homage doesn't change that. Your attempts at providing perspective were near totally superfluous and banal, not immersive. I could see what you were trying to do (re: perspective, tone, and genre), but you didn't do a good job. I was being sincere when I suggested you could cut it down to a third.
Your attempts at satire are masked by the fact that it's very badly and unrealistically written, so while the drinking burning coffee starts to give it away, the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours.
>shouldn't even bother commenting or criticizing on it unless they have something constructive to say
Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks. Telling you the start of your story was bland is constructive enough when you're starting from the floor.
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909>>2908
He wrote a bad piece of fiction and snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me), though the points I made weren't made-up to be mean.
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911>>2860
>>2898
A work has to meet a certain bare minimum for critique to be useful. "Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you - they were my genunine feelings on what I read. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
>>2908
>The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism
If that's what you interpreted his deflections as, your critical thinking skills are on par with his writing skills.
>It's a small community so it has to be a hugbox!!!
His comment wasn't very negative. If you're so thin-skinned, perhaps the board would be better of with 11.
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>>2908
>2900
I’m not the guy you’re talking to but why are you being such an asshole? The dude gracefully acknowledged and accepted your criticism, convo should’ve just ended there tbh. Theres like 12 people on this board. No need to shit it up with such extreme negativity.
>>2910
Thank you for having my back, anon.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2988
>>2993
>>2988
>The ineptitude of the organization is what's unrealistic
I hadn't really developed the organization's role in the story, though. In fact, the organization basically exists in name only: Interpol. I will certainly develop Harding's role in Interpol further in future stories.
>In particular the complete lack of plan and sending the undisguised spy in after someone who knows him.
It's Harding's infiltration of their flat that comes as a surprise to his enemy, Hennequin. I do agree that this could have been revised, but Harding and Hennequin do not react in a way that would obviously foil either of their intentions. It's implied that Harding and Hennquin will work with Harding and the band who have been caught up in this criminal arms-deal ring. Yes, it obviously could use a revision, but I don't think the characters here come off as unnatural.
>Your thing about him coming off as a second booking agent does this in part, but it comes across more as lazy deus ex machina rather than an against-the-odds success.
Maybe, but I think Harding's ability to come off as a second booking agent provides a necessary way for his character to get closer to the band and dictate their direction as opposed to someone else of authority.
If anything, think of this story as a proof-of-concept for a more developed series that features these characters. Yes, not everything is tied together perfectly, and I felt after completing it. I still appreciate this feedback because I would like to return to these characters and plot in future stories.
>>2958
>>2900
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>realism
The ineptitude of the organisation is what's unrealistic. In particular the complete lack of plan and sending the undisguised spy in after someone who knows him. It lacks wit and is not evident as a gag, which will make the reader think that you have not done any planning rather than think you're writing a character who doesn't plan; it still takes work to write an interesting story about someone who's inept. Your thing about him coming off as a second booking agent does this in part, but it comes across more as lazy deus ex machina rather than an against-the-odds success.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.2993
>>3004
>>2993
You're explaining away criticism, and what you're describing wrt the booking agent stuff *is* deus ex machina. When you say this is "proof-of-concept," I say that I wouldn't want to read more based off of it, and I've already laid out why.
>>2988
>>2958
>realism
The ineptitude of the organisation is what's unrealistic. In particular the complete lack of plan and sending the undisguised spy in after someone who knows him. It lacks wit and is not evident as a gag, which will make the reader think that you have not done any planning rather than think you're writing a character who doesn't plan; it still takes work to write an interesting story about someone who's inept. Your thing about him coming off as a second booking agent does this in part, but it comes across more as lazy deus ex machina rather than an against-the-odds success.
>The ineptitude of the organization is what's unrealistic
I hadn't really developed the organization's role in the story, though. In fact, the organization basically exists in name only: Interpol. I will certainly develop Harding's role in Interpol further in future stories.
>In particular the complete lack of plan and sending the undisguised spy in after someone who knows him.
It's Harding's infiltration of their flat that comes as a surprise to his enemy, Hennequin. I do agree that this could have been revised, but Harding and Hennequin do not react in a way that would obviously foil either of their intentions. It's implied that Harding and Hennquin will work with Harding and the band who have been caught up in this criminal arms-deal ring. Yes, it obviously could use a revision, but I don't think the characters here come off as unnatural.
>Your thing about him coming off as a second booking agent does this in part, but it comes across more as lazy deus ex machina rather than an against-the-odds success.
Maybe, but I think Harding's ability to come off as a second booking agent provides a necessary way for his character to get closer to the band and dictate their direction as opposed to someone else of authority.
If anything, think of this story as a proof-of-concept for a more developed series that features these characters. Yes, not everything is tied together perfectly, and I felt after completing it. I still appreciate this feedback because I would like to return to these characters and plot in future stories.
>>2884
>>2869
Nice. It's actually pretty fun. I ended up playing for way longer than I expected. Gave up on level 4 tho, way too hard for me. I'm no good at platformers. Still, it is engaging. The soundtrack is catchy. The gameplay is simple but fun. The difficulty is brutal but the quick resets made me wanna keep playing. I also liked the concept you introduced where you have to revive the goomba things just so you can stomp on them to reach the money. That was cool albeit a little morbid to think about. Anyways, well done anon. I really liked it.
Glad you enjoyed it. I know I went a little bit too far with the difficulty, but some people like games that way (me being one). Someday (in the not so probable future) I want to make it into a full fledged game, with a better difficulty curve and also edgier.
>>2993
>>2988
>The ineptitude of the organization is what's unrealistic
I hadn't really developed the organization's role in the story, though. In fact, the organization basically exists in name only: Interpol. I will certainly develop Harding's role in Interpol further in future stories.
>In particular the complete lack of plan and sending the undisguised spy in after someone who knows him.
It's Harding's infiltration of their flat that comes as a surprise to his enemy, Hennequin. I do agree that this could have been revised, but Harding and Hennequin do not react in a way that would obviously foil either of their intentions. It's implied that Harding and Hennquin will work with Harding and the band who have been caught up in this criminal arms-deal ring. Yes, it obviously could use a revision, but I don't think the characters here come off as unnatural.
>Your thing about him coming off as a second booking agent does this in part, but it comes across more as lazy deus ex machina rather than an against-the-odds success.
Maybe, but I think Harding's ability to come off as a second booking agent provides a necessary way for his character to get closer to the band and dictate their direction as opposed to someone else of authority.
If anything, think of this story as a proof-of-concept for a more developed series that features these characters. Yes, not everything is tied together perfectly, and I felt after completing it. I still appreciate this feedback because I would like to return to these characters and plot in future stories.
You're explaining away criticism, and what you're describing wrt the booking agent stuff *is* deus ex machina. When you say this is "proof-of-concept," I say that I wouldn't want to read more based off of it, and I've already laid out why.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.3006
>>3020
>>3006
>If you have a massively defensive reaction to any comments not praising your quite terrible work, don't expect to get much better at writing.
But the funny thing is is that I recognize the flaws the piece has, agree with the criticism, for the most part, and will learn from them in the next story.
>Step outside of your own head, step outside of however precious your work is to you, and try to consider it from other people's perspectives
Also never considered my piece "precious." I've said it multiple times that I believe the work could be improved.
>Just because you take the tone of a meek individual, it does not make your ego-driven posts any less ego-driven.
Lmfao, this is an ego-driven thread. We're sharing publicly stuff we've created. Of course my posts are ego-driven.
>>2958
>>2900
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad."
>I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically
>but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either.
>intended to be quick stories
If you have a massively defensive reaction to any comments not praising your quite terrible work, don't expect to get much better at writing.
>I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless
This line is very telling. Step outside of your own head, step outside of however precious your work is to you, and try to consider it from other people's perspectives. Instead of getting butthurt, try and reason out the *why*.
>>2958>>2900
>Sorry dude, it's bad
I'm sorry I wasted your time with this. It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week and not everything panned out the way I wanted it, but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad." I'll certainly go back to the cutting board.
>very badly and unrealistically written... the reader is going to read (fairly correctly) your character's ineptitude as yours
How so? Truthfully, I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically. Sure, maybe the characters could be fleshed out in greater detail, but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either. This piece, and others that I write like it, are intended to be quick stories that I can write in a matter of a week or two.
>Don't be a pussy, and don't expect so much from readers when your writing sucks
I really don't think I'm being a pussy. I'm giving you my attention and responding thoughtfully to your criticism. I've recognized the loose ends and areas where the plot and writing could be re-written or cut entirely.
>>2909
>snapped at being told so by telling someone they "clearly can't create". I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone that takes criticism that way (even if his tone changed for me)
I have since apologized, but in a way, this did spur you to read my story and provide some constructive points. If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
>>2911
>"Bland" and "Soulless" weren't words to insult you. If you found my comment unconstructive that speaks more on your own ability to reflect.
I'm over it now, but it was a bit jarring. I reacted in a way that I now regret and have apologized and rephrased my answer to your criticism. I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless. Of course, if that's your opinion, I respect it. It's different for me as the writer, because I am piecing together all of the scenes that I have written and have yet to write, so I'm actively imagining how the narrative arc will unfold, etc. If anything, my engagement with you has inspired me to go back to the cutting board on the next story.
>If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
Obviously someone else, but I'm glad you had fun getting your insult out. Just because you take the tone of a meek individual, it does not make your ego-driven posts any less ego-driven.
Anonymous :
81 days ago :
No.3012
>>3025 >>3158
>>3012
Hey, thanks for playing and sticking with it, hopefully you finished since you only had 3 leves left to go. Very happy I could give you some fun in this chanless dreadful times. Check out my other games if you can.
And come back in maybe a couple of years when I get the time to make another game.
I thought the collecting and depositing was quite nice, it lets the difficulty stay high while making it not too annoying. Made me feel like my mistakes where my own rather than bullshit. Player spawning in the air is annoying since sometimes there's spikes so I have to wait for the fall before I can start playing. It would be cool if the save another person feature was made more clear about it's range, I initially thought you had to be right next to them (maybe put a dead guy in a closed off box in the level that introduces this?). People will probably complain about how floaty it is, but I won't since it seems very intentional and the levels play into it well. Multiple times on level IV I dove into the guy in the spikes on the left, and he died but I still died on the spikes. It could be user error. Alright, just Realized you have to hold dive, it could be that. Maybe add some sort of coyote time equivalent - where you can bounce if a dive just ended? I generally hate screen filters but this one wasn't intrusive enough to really bother me. Screen shake is nice.
Got to level V, I'll probably play again later to beat it. I'm the exact crowd you're aiming for, love hard games and I'm stubborn as hell. A lot of fun and put together nicely, congrats on front page!
>3004
I'm not explaining away criticism when I agreed with you that there are loose ends that I have recognized and that you have raised. It's not like this concept is dead in the water. I think you want me to believe that, and I simply won't fall for that type of criticism. I will learn from your feedback and improve for the next story. If you decide not to read, that's perfectly fine.
>>3006
>>2958
>but I wouldn't characterize it as "bad."
>I don't see how I could write this anymore realistically
>but I'm not trying to strive for full realism either.
>intended to be quick stories
If you have a massively defensive reaction to any comments not praising your quite terrible work, don't expect to get much better at writing.
>I don't think I had much to reflect from that initial criticism you offered because I don't think my piece was really all that bland or soulless
This line is very telling. Step outside of your own head, step outside of however precious your work is to you, and try to consider it from other people's perspectives. Instead of getting butthurt, try and reason out the *why*.
>>2958
>If you're offended by me saying that someone "clearly can't create," then I think your indictment of me as a pussy rings more true with you, anon.
Obviously someone else, but I'm glad you had fun getting your insult out. Just because you take the tone of a meek individual, it does not make your ego-driven posts any less ego-driven.
>If you have a massively defensive reaction to any comments not praising your quite terrible work, don't expect to get much better at writing.
But the funny thing is is that I recognize the flaws the piece has, agree with the criticism, for the most part, and will learn from them in the next story.
>Step outside of your own head, step outside of however precious your work is to you, and try to consider it from other people's perspectives
Also never considered my piece "precious." I've said it multiple times that I believe the work could be improved.
>Just because you take the tone of a meek individual, it does not make your ego-driven posts any less ego-driven.
Lmfao, this is an ego-driven thread. We're sharing publicly stuff we've created. Of course my posts are ego-driven.
>>3012
I thought the collecting and depositing was quite nice, it lets the difficulty stay high while making it not too annoying. Made me feel like my mistakes where my own rather than bullshit. Player spawning in the air is annoying since sometimes there's spikes so I have to wait for the fall before I can start playing. It would be cool if the save another person feature was made more clear about it's range, I initially thought you had to be right next to them (maybe put a dead guy in a closed off box in the level that introduces this?). People will probably complain about how floaty it is, but I won't since it seems very intentional and the levels play into it well. Multiple times on level IV I dove into the guy in the spikes on the left, and he died but I still died on the spikes. It could be user error. Alright, just Realized you have to hold dive, it could be that. Maybe add some sort of coyote time equivalent - where you can bounce if a dive just ended? I generally hate screen filters but this one wasn't intrusive enough to really bother me. Screen shake is nice.
Got to level V, I'll probably play again later to beat it. I'm the exact crowd you're aiming for, love hard games and I'm stubborn as hell. A lot of fun and put together nicely, congrats on front page!
Meant for >>2869
Anonymous :
80 days ago :
No.3059
>>3068
>>3059
>a random passage from the GOAT of the genre
>>3088>>3059
>There is more liveliness in small gestures, communicated simply but with meaning. More has happened in fewer words, and the literalness prevents cliche.
Absolutely, and I do think that the phrasing is rather stiff throughout my story. My characters also appear more like they are lecturing rather than conversing.
>I would also recommend adding some sort of intrigue or hook far far sooner. Nothing in the plot keeps you reading or makes you curious until the kidnapping way at the end.
Yeah, the hook could come into play far sooner rather than where I have it at the end, and it does feel like even then it's rushed. Most of the early scenes in the story lack consistent pacing, and I could've given more exposition to Harding's character in these earlier scenes instead.
>'you clearly can't create' is a bit of a conversational blunder, no?
Yes, I have since apologized to the anon.
>You should not use 'It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week' as a defense. It makes much more sense to boast about creating good work in short time than coping about how bad work somehow doesn't count because you couldn't be bothered to take the time to polish it.
You're right. I should've spent more time on revising this story than immediately publishing it. I recognize the work has some major flaws and I want to address those in the next story. I seriously appreciate all the feedback I've received.
>>2841
Sorry for adding to the pile-on, but I didn't really like your story either. I found the prose to be very stilted and the choice of metaphors to be very cliched. It feels at once overly literal -- i.e. shoe leather, and at the same time without that hard-boiled terseness that is essential to the detective genre.
Take this random passage from your story:
---
Harding drew strongly from his pipe; a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips.
“The international criminal Henri Hennequin—”
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding. Hennequin was his cat-and-mouse chase for well over a decade.
---
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked [...] -- simply grammatically incorrect
'a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips' -- purse smile is an unusual phrase, the idiomatic phrase is 'pursed lips'
Why not replace this long awkward sentence with 'he pursed his lips?' To me it seems overwritten and makes short scenes drag.
'sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding' -- again, awkward phrasing 'sparked a flare.' The metaphor itself is hackneyed and here it is not expressed in a natural way.
Compare your writing to a random passage from Raymond Chandler:
---
He crossed the room slowly, lightfooted, without a care in the world. His enormous back hid the door. It was locked. He shook it and a piece of the panel flew off to one side. He went through and shut the door behind him.
There was silence. I looked at the barman. The barman looked at me. His eyes became thoughtful. He polished the counter and sighed and leaned down with his right arm.
I reached across the counter and took hold of the arm. It was thin, brittle. I held it and smiled at him.
---
There is more liveliness in small gestures, communicated simply but with meaning. More has happened in fewer words, and the literalness prevents cliche. I'm not saying this random paragraph is by itself totally mind blowing, but if you intend to write genre fiction, you would do well to emulate more closely skilled writers.
I would also recommend adding some sort of intrigue or hook far far sooner. Nothing in the plot keeps you reading or makes you curious until the kidnapping way at the end, and, from the other feedback you've gotten, most readers are already long gone.
As for your responses to the (not very tactful) feedback in this thread: 'you clearly can't create' is a bit of a conversational blunder, no? You should not use 'It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week' as a defense. It makes much more sense to boast about creating good work in short time than coping about how bad work somehow doesn't count because you couldn't be bothered to take the time to polish it.
All that being said, you still get a participation trophy. Obviously it is difficult to put your work in front of others etc. etc. I don't think you should stop writing, but wait to develop an ego until your output is more skillful.
>>3059
>>2841
Sorry for adding to the pile-on, but I didn't really like your story either. I found the prose to be very stilted and the choice of metaphors to be very cliched. It feels at once overly literal -- i.e. shoe leather, and at the same time without that hard-boiled terseness that is essential to the detective genre.
Take this random passage from your story:
---
Harding drew strongly from his pipe; a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips.
“The international criminal Henri Hennequin—”
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding. Hennequin was his cat-and-mouse chase for well over a decade.
---
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked [...] -- simply grammatically incorrect
'a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips' -- purse smile is an unusual phrase, the idiomatic phrase is 'pursed lips'
Why not replace this long awkward sentence with 'he pursed his lips?' To me it seems overwritten and makes short scenes drag.
'sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding' -- again, awkward phrasing 'sparked a flare.' The metaphor itself is hackneyed and here it is not expressed in a natural way.
Compare your writing to a random passage from Raymond Chandler:
---
He crossed the room slowly, lightfooted, without a care in the world. His enormous back hid the door. It was locked. He shook it and a piece of the panel flew off to one side. He went through and shut the door behind him.
There was silence. I looked at the barman. The barman looked at me. His eyes became thoughtful. He polished the counter and sighed and leaned down with his right arm.
I reached across the counter and took hold of the arm. It was thin, brittle. I held it and smiled at him.
---
There is more liveliness in small gestures, communicated simply but with meaning. More has happened in fewer words, and the literalness prevents cliche. I'm not saying this random paragraph is by itself totally mind blowing, but if you intend to write genre fiction, you would do well to emulate more closely skilled writers.
I would also recommend adding some sort of intrigue or hook far far sooner. Nothing in the plot keeps you reading or makes you curious until the kidnapping way at the end, and, from the other feedback you've gotten, most readers are already long gone.
As for your responses to the (not very tactful) feedback in this thread: 'you clearly can't create' is a bit of a conversational blunder, no? You should not use 'It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week' as a defense. It makes much more sense to boast about creating good work in short time than coping about how bad work somehow doesn't count because you couldn't be bothered to take the time to polish it.
All that being said, you still get a participation trophy. Obviously it is difficult to put your work in front of others etc. etc. I don't think you should stop writing, but wait to develop an ego until your output is more skillful.
>a random passage from the GOAT of the genre
>>3059
>>2841
Sorry for adding to the pile-on, but I didn't really like your story either. I found the prose to be very stilted and the choice of metaphors to be very cliched. It feels at once overly literal -- i.e. shoe leather, and at the same time without that hard-boiled terseness that is essential to the detective genre.
Take this random passage from your story:
---
Harding drew strongly from his pipe; a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips.
“The international criminal Henri Hennequin—”
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding. Hennequin was his cat-and-mouse chase for well over a decade.
---
It was with the announcement of this name alone that sparked [...] -- simply grammatically incorrect
'a purse smile formed at the edge of his lips' -- purse smile is an unusual phrase, the idiomatic phrase is 'pursed lips'
Why not replace this long awkward sentence with 'he pursed his lips?' To me it seems overwritten and makes short scenes drag.
'sparked a flare in the eyes of Harding' -- again, awkward phrasing 'sparked a flare.' The metaphor itself is hackneyed and here it is not expressed in a natural way.
Compare your writing to a random passage from Raymond Chandler:
---
He crossed the room slowly, lightfooted, without a care in the world. His enormous back hid the door. It was locked. He shook it and a piece of the panel flew off to one side. He went through and shut the door behind him.
There was silence. I looked at the barman. The barman looked at me. His eyes became thoughtful. He polished the counter and sighed and leaned down with his right arm.
I reached across the counter and took hold of the arm. It was thin, brittle. I held it and smiled at him.
---
There is more liveliness in small gestures, communicated simply but with meaning. More has happened in fewer words, and the literalness prevents cliche. I'm not saying this random paragraph is by itself totally mind blowing, but if you intend to write genre fiction, you would do well to emulate more closely skilled writers.
I would also recommend adding some sort of intrigue or hook far far sooner. Nothing in the plot keeps you reading or makes you curious until the kidnapping way at the end, and, from the other feedback you've gotten, most readers are already long gone.
As for your responses to the (not very tactful) feedback in this thread: 'you clearly can't create' is a bit of a conversational blunder, no? You should not use 'It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week' as a defense. It makes much more sense to boast about creating good work in short time than coping about how bad work somehow doesn't count because you couldn't be bothered to take the time to polish it.
All that being said, you still get a participation trophy. Obviously it is difficult to put your work in front of others etc. etc. I don't think you should stop writing, but wait to develop an ego until your output is more skillful.
>There is more liveliness in small gestures, communicated simply but with meaning. More has happened in fewer words, and the literalness prevents cliche.
Absolutely, and I do think that the phrasing is rather stiff throughout my story. My characters also appear more like they are lecturing rather than conversing.
>I would also recommend adding some sort of intrigue or hook far far sooner. Nothing in the plot keeps you reading or makes you curious until the kidnapping way at the end.
Yeah, the hook could come into play far sooner rather than where I have it at the end, and it does feel like even then it's rushed. Most of the early scenes in the story lack consistent pacing, and I could've given more exposition to Harding's character in these earlier scenes instead.
>'you clearly can't create' is a bit of a conversational blunder, no?
Yes, I have since apologized to the anon.
>You should not use 'It was a quick story I wrote in a matter of a week' as a defense. It makes much more sense to boast about creating good work in short time than coping about how bad work somehow doesn't count because you couldn't be bothered to take the time to polish it.
You're right. I should've spent more time on revising this story than immediately publishing it. I recognize the work has some major flaws and I want to address those in the next story. I seriously appreciate all the feedback I've received.
>>3012
I thought the collecting and depositing was quite nice, it lets the difficulty stay high while making it not too annoying. Made me feel like my mistakes where my own rather than bullshit. Player spawning in the air is annoying since sometimes there's spikes so I have to wait for the fall before I can start playing. It would be cool if the save another person feature was made more clear about it's range, I initially thought you had to be right next to them (maybe put a dead guy in a closed off box in the level that introduces this?). People will probably complain about how floaty it is, but I won't since it seems very intentional and the levels play into it well. Multiple times on level IV I dove into the guy in the spikes on the left, and he died but I still died on the spikes. It could be user error. Alright, just Realized you have to hold dive, it could be that. Maybe add some sort of coyote time equivalent - where you can bounce if a dive just ended? I generally hate screen filters but this one wasn't intrusive enough to really bother me. Screen shake is nice.
Got to level V, I'll probably play again later to beat it. I'm the exact crowd you're aiming for, love hard games and I'm stubborn as hell. A lot of fun and put together nicely, congrats on front page!
Hey, thanks for playing and sticking with it, hopefully you finished since you only had 3 leves left to go. Very happy I could give you some fun in this chanless dreadful times. Check out my other games if you can.
And come back in maybe a couple of years when I get the time to make another game.
bump
bump
Anonymous :
65 days ago :
No.4235
>>4267
>>4235
If you like someone telling you what to do and can handle lots of repetition: drawabox.com
Requires high work ethic.
Andrew Loomis's Figure Drawing For All It's Worth (https://archive.org/details/loomis_FIGURE_draw) or for a more gentle introduction, Fun With a Pencil.
Stephen Travers Art - YouTube channel with an emphasis on drawing architecture
https://youtu.be/m1p9Cg3TT1I?si=NA-RKoeV6Yom-t1c
Alphonso Dunn - YouTube channel focusing on pen and ink technique with a variety of subject matter. I was gifted his book Pen and Ink Drawing: A Simple Guide along with its corresponding workbook and would recommend both.
https://youtu.be/aCgV2LLuteM?si=Rfwwb9hrIJ2aa2MS
If you are a beginner, I would recommend drawing in pen only and focusing on short 10-20 minute drawings. Draw one sketch of a subject from life or photo reference every day for a month and you will see significant improvement.
If you are intermediate, I can't recommend you anything because I'm in the same boat.
Do you have a particular subject matter or style you are interested in?
Do you anons have any good how 2 learn 2 draw resources?
I'm here to add to the two-week old already dead discussion over this guy's shitty substack fiction. It not only does suck but it's actually a good example of anime writing. This sort of storytelling is an obvious consequence of learning about exposition through anime and/or cartoons.
>4235
Practice
Anonymous :
64 days ago :
No.4267
>>4273
>>4267
I would say I am an absolute beginner. I'm a compulsive doodler, but don't really draw as such. I did some art lessons and classes in childhood, but didn't really stick with them.
Thanks for the resources.
>>4278>>4267
>The definitive list of reddit beginner traps
You vile creature you bastard you son of a bitch. You who would send the soul of this young artist to the middling pits of mediocrity. Begone from this place, devil-spawn!
>>4273
Bridgeman/other master studies and painting. Values are everything and drawing is difficult to learn compared to painting. Even if you are not interested in painting understanding the form will be far more valuable to you than Loomis' structured system or drawabox's pure autism (never take advice from someone whose art looks like shit). Research sight-size / russian tradition for ideas on how master artists learn.
>ACTUALLY GOOD SHIT (unordered, some may be irrelevant due to being to advanced)
>Keys to drawing is alright, I prefer drawing on the right side of the brain
>norling - perspective made easy
>Bridgeman (the GOAT)
>vilppu
>Scott Robertson
>>4235
Do you anons have any good how 2 learn 2 draw resources?
If you like someone telling you what to do and can handle lots of repetition: drawabox.com
Requires high work ethic.
Andrew Loomis's Figure Drawing For All It's Worth (https://archive.org/details/loomis_FIGURE_draw) or for a more gentle introduction, Fun With a Pencil.
Stephen Travers Art - YouTube channel with an emphasis on drawing architecture
https://youtu.be/m1p9Cg3TT1I?si=NA-RKoeV6Yom-t1c
Alphonso Dunn - YouTube channel focusing on pen and ink technique with a variety of subject matter. I was gifted his book Pen and Ink Drawing: A Simple Guide along with its corresponding workbook and would recommend both.
https://youtu.be/aCgV2LLuteM?si=Rfwwb9hrIJ2aa2MS
If you are a beginner, I would recommend drawing in pen only and focusing on short 10-20 minute drawings. Draw one sketch of a subject from life or photo reference every day for a month and you will see significant improvement.
If you are intermediate, I can't recommend you anything because I'm in the same boat.
Do you have a particular subject matter or style you are interested in?
Anonymous :
63 days ago :
No.4273
>>4274
>>4273
Ah if you are a doodler, then I would definitely suggest Keys to Drawing with Imagination by Bert Dodson. Good luck and definitely post some doodles :)
>>4278>>4267
>The definitive list of reddit beginner traps
You vile creature you bastard you son of a bitch. You who would send the soul of this young artist to the middling pits of mediocrity. Begone from this place, devil-spawn!
>>4273
Bridgeman/other master studies and painting. Values are everything and drawing is difficult to learn compared to painting. Even if you are not interested in painting understanding the form will be far more valuable to you than Loomis' structured system or drawabox's pure autism (never take advice from someone whose art looks like shit). Research sight-size / russian tradition for ideas on how master artists learn.
>ACTUALLY GOOD SHIT (unordered, some may be irrelevant due to being to advanced)
>Keys to drawing is alright, I prefer drawing on the right side of the brain
>norling - perspective made easy
>Bridgeman (the GOAT)
>vilppu
>Scott Robertson
>>4674>>4273
A doodle for doodle-anon
>>4267
>>4235
If you like someone telling you what to do and can handle lots of repetition: drawabox.com
Requires high work ethic.
Andrew Loomis's Figure Drawing For All It's Worth (https://archive.org/details/loomis_FIGURE_draw) or for a more gentle introduction, Fun With a Pencil.
Stephen Travers Art - YouTube channel with an emphasis on drawing architecture
https://youtu.be/m1p9Cg3TT1I?si=NA-RKoeV6Yom-t1c
Alphonso Dunn - YouTube channel focusing on pen and ink technique with a variety of subject matter. I was gifted his book Pen and Ink Drawing: A Simple Guide along with its corresponding workbook and would recommend both.
https://youtu.be/aCgV2LLuteM?si=Rfwwb9hrIJ2aa2MS
If you are a beginner, I would recommend drawing in pen only and focusing on short 10-20 minute drawings. Draw one sketch of a subject from life or photo reference every day for a month and you will see significant improvement.
If you are intermediate, I can't recommend you anything because I'm in the same boat.
Do you have a particular subject matter or style you are interested in?
I would say I am an absolute beginner. I'm a compulsive doodler, but don't really draw as such. I did some art lessons and classes in childhood, but didn't really stick with them.
Thanks for the resources.
Anonymous :
63 days ago :
No.4274
>>4276
>>4274
That looks perfect actually, thanks. I will, hopefully!
>>4273
>>4267
I would say I am an absolute beginner. I'm a compulsive doodler, but don't really draw as such. I did some art lessons and classes in childhood, but didn't really stick with them.
Thanks for the resources.
Ah if you are a doodler, then I would definitely suggest Keys to Drawing with Imagination by Bert Dodson. Good luck and definitely post some doodles :)
Anonymous :
63 days ago :
No.4278
>>4280
>>4278
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't die on the Loomis or drawabox hill, but based on anon's responses, he's clearly not ready for Bridgeman.
Loomis drew lowbrow commercial illustrations for a living, and his method is designed to allow any aspiring artist, regardless of talent, to make a living drawing lowbrow commercial illustrations. He is unambiguously not an artist in the high culture sense of the term. That being said, if you have no familiarity with basic proportion or perspective, Loomis is as good a place to become acquainted with those concepts as any. Someone proficient in his method will be able to draw a relatively blocky and static human mannequin placed in a scene with correct proportion. If you are a serious artist, that is a low bar to cross, and pretty soon you will graduate to something else. But until you have that ability, I don't see any serious flaws with his methodology. I find it ironic that you refer to him as a reddit trap, given that the most fervent members of his cult live on 4chan. Not that the average intelligence or artistic ability is particularly high in either place, but given that calling things 'reddit' itself very chan-coded the comparison seems inappropriate.
Agreed that draw-a-box is autism. However, if you lack the baseline ability to draw with high line quality, draw-a-box will cure that. It seems like a pretty big waste of time to finish the course as intended (though I'm sure there are plenty of neuro-divergant people that will disagree) but I think you forget how many beginners are permastuck in chicken-scratch dogshit. Again, something to try and eventually graduate from.
Did you really start out with Bridgeman for anatomy? If you actually found it workable without a more simplistic baseline to work with, I find that surprising (and impressive).
>>4267
>>4235
If you like someone telling you what to do and can handle lots of repetition: drawabox.com
Requires high work ethic.
Andrew Loomis's Figure Drawing For All It's Worth (https://archive.org/details/loomis_FIGURE_draw) or for a more gentle introduction, Fun With a Pencil.
Stephen Travers Art - YouTube channel with an emphasis on drawing architecture
https://youtu.be/m1p9Cg3TT1I?si=NA-RKoeV6Yom-t1c
Alphonso Dunn - YouTube channel focusing on pen and ink technique with a variety of subject matter. I was gifted his book Pen and Ink Drawing: A Simple Guide along with its corresponding workbook and would recommend both.
https://youtu.be/aCgV2LLuteM?si=Rfwwb9hrIJ2aa2MS
If you are a beginner, I would recommend drawing in pen only and focusing on short 10-20 minute drawings. Draw one sketch of a subject from life or photo reference every day for a month and you will see significant improvement.
If you are intermediate, I can't recommend you anything because I'm in the same boat.
Do you have a particular subject matter or style you are interested in?
>The definitive list of reddit beginner traps
You vile creature you bastard you son of a bitch. You who would send the soul of this young artist to the middling pits of mediocrity. Begone from this place, devil-spawn!
>>4273>>4267
I would say I am an absolute beginner. I'm a compulsive doodler, but don't really draw as such. I did some art lessons and classes in childhood, but didn't really stick with them.
Thanks for the resources.
Bridgeman/other master studies and painting. Values are everything and drawing is difficult to learn compared to painting. Even if you are not interested in painting understanding the form will be far more valuable to you than Loomis' structured system or drawabox's pure autism (never take advice from someone whose art looks like shit). Research sight-size / russian tradition for ideas on how master artists learn.
>ACTUALLY GOOD SHIT (unordered, some may be irrelevant due to being to advanced)
>Keys to drawing is alright, I prefer drawing on the right side of the brain
>norling - perspective made easy
>Bridgeman (the GOAT)
>vilppu
>Scott Robertson
Anonymous :
63 days ago :
No.4280
>>4283
>>4280
There is little value in Loomis' method because the proportions and perspective should be ingrained and understood rather than thought of and understood as hard constructive rules. The
loomis archetypal male stands at 8 heads high - not accounting for height variation, not accounting for foreshortening, not accounting for the many things that make art interesting. You make the rule and then you add the million caveats and in the end you get a piece that is technically "correct" by it's self-imposed rules yet looks like shit. It is a crutch and a hinderance that should be discarded if you have it and not taken on if you don't
>to draw with high line quality
Comes naturally with doing any art, explicitly practicing this is an unfun waste of time. Most of line quality comes from knowing where the line should go not actual dexterity. Some great artists still chicken scratch - it is an expression of low confidence.
>start out with Bridgeman for anatomy
I started out doing life studies, then went to bridgeman. Later took sight-size classes at an atelier and then returned to bridgeman. Focusing on the mechanisms of movement and how forms interact is simply the best approach.
>>4278
>>4267
>The definitive list of reddit beginner traps
You vile creature you bastard you son of a bitch. You who would send the soul of this young artist to the middling pits of mediocrity. Begone from this place, devil-spawn!
>>4273
Bridgeman/other master studies and painting. Values are everything and drawing is difficult to learn compared to painting. Even if you are not interested in painting understanding the form will be far more valuable to you than Loomis' structured system or drawabox's pure autism (never take advice from someone whose art looks like shit). Research sight-size / russian tradition for ideas on how master artists learn.
>ACTUALLY GOOD SHIT (unordered, some may be irrelevant due to being to advanced)
>Keys to drawing is alright, I prefer drawing on the right side of the brain
>norling - perspective made easy
>Bridgeman (the GOAT)
>vilppu
>Scott Robertson
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't die on the Loomis or drawabox hill, but based on anon's responses, he's clearly not ready for Bridgeman.
Loomis drew lowbrow commercial illustrations for a living, and his method is designed to allow any aspiring artist, regardless of talent, to make a living drawing lowbrow commercial illustrations. He is unambiguously not an artist in the high culture sense of the term. That being said, if you have no familiarity with basic proportion or perspective, Loomis is as good a place to become acquainted with those concepts as any. Someone proficient in his method will be able to draw a relatively blocky and static human mannequin placed in a scene with correct proportion. If you are a serious artist, that is a low bar to cross, and pretty soon you will graduate to something else. But until you have that ability, I don't see any serious flaws with his methodology. I find it ironic that you refer to him as a reddit trap, given that the most fervent members of his cult live on 4chan. Not that the average intelligence or artistic ability is particularly high in either place, but given that calling things 'reddit' itself very chan-coded the comparison seems inappropriate.
Agreed that draw-a-box is autism. However, if you lack the baseline ability to draw with high line quality, draw-a-box will cure that. It seems like a pretty big waste of time to finish the course as intended (though I'm sure there are plenty of neuro-divergant people that will disagree) but I think you forget how many beginners are permastuck in chicken-scratch dogshit. Again, something to try and eventually graduate from.
Did you really start out with Bridgeman for anatomy? If you actually found it workable without a more simplistic baseline to work with, I find that surprising (and impressive).
>>4280
>>4278
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't die on the Loomis or drawabox hill, but based on anon's responses, he's clearly not ready for Bridgeman.
Loomis drew lowbrow commercial illustrations for a living, and his method is designed to allow any aspiring artist, regardless of talent, to make a living drawing lowbrow commercial illustrations. He is unambiguously not an artist in the high culture sense of the term. That being said, if you have no familiarity with basic proportion or perspective, Loomis is as good a place to become acquainted with those concepts as any. Someone proficient in his method will be able to draw a relatively blocky and static human mannequin placed in a scene with correct proportion. If you are a serious artist, that is a low bar to cross, and pretty soon you will graduate to something else. But until you have that ability, I don't see any serious flaws with his methodology. I find it ironic that you refer to him as a reddit trap, given that the most fervent members of his cult live on 4chan. Not that the average intelligence or artistic ability is particularly high in either place, but given that calling things 'reddit' itself very chan-coded the comparison seems inappropriate.
Agreed that draw-a-box is autism. However, if you lack the baseline ability to draw with high line quality, draw-a-box will cure that. It seems like a pretty big waste of time to finish the course as intended (though I'm sure there are plenty of neuro-divergant people that will disagree) but I think you forget how many beginners are permastuck in chicken-scratch dogshit. Again, something to try and eventually graduate from.
Did you really start out with Bridgeman for anatomy? If you actually found it workable without a more simplistic baseline to work with, I find that surprising (and impressive).
There is little value in Loomis' method because the proportions and perspective should be ingrained and understood rather than thought of and understood as hard constructive rules. The
loomis archetypal male stands at 8 heads high - not accounting for height variation, not accounting for foreshortening, not accounting for the many things that make art interesting. You make the rule and then you add the million caveats and in the end you get a piece that is technically "correct" by it's self-imposed rules yet looks like shit. It is a crutch and a hinderance that should be discarded if you have it and not taken on if you don't
>to draw with high line quality
Comes naturally with doing any art, explicitly practicing this is an unfun waste of time. Most of line quality comes from knowing where the line should go not actual dexterity. Some great artists still chicken scratch - it is an expression of low confidence.
>start out with Bridgeman for anatomy
I started out doing life studies, then went to bridgeman. Later took sight-size classes at an atelier and then returned to bridgeman. Focusing on the mechanisms of movement and how forms interact is simply the best approach.
Anonymous :
27 days ago :
No.5631
>>5857
>>5631
What kind of feedback are you looking for? It's hard to provide critique on something that is heavily stylized. Especially when I like the stylization so much. I think the weakest part of it is the background by far, the figures are quite dynamic and interesting.
>>5860>>5631
I agree with the other anon that one of the only obvious things to improve (from a non-painter) is the background. The figures are really sharp and distinct with a good sense of movement, but the background is muddy and swallows them towards the bottom so that the bottom third lacks much depth. It doesn't help that the figures go off the canvas and that their legs are indistinct, making them feel unrooted. It makes me think of Fight with Cudgels by Goya crossed with this mural I saw in a dumpling place recently, pic related (I guess just for the claustrophobic composition in style of the faces, now that I've found a photo of it).
A painting that I made. Any feedback is welcome; trying to improve!
>>5631
A painting that I made. Any feedback is welcome; trying to improve!
What kind of feedback are you looking for? It's hard to provide critique on something that is heavily stylized. Especially when I like the stylization so much. I think the weakest part of it is the background by far, the figures are quite dynamic and interesting.
>>5631
A painting that I made. Any feedback is welcome; trying to improve!
I agree with the other anon that one of the only obvious things to improve (from a non-painter) is the background. The figures are really sharp and distinct with a good sense of movement, but the background is muddy and swallows them towards the bottom so that the bottom third lacks much depth. It doesn't help that the figures go off the canvas and that their legs are indistinct, making them feel unrooted. It makes me think of Fight with Cudgels by Goya crossed with this mural I saw in a dumpling place recently, pic related (I guess just for the claustrophobic composition in style of the faces, now that I've found a photo of it).
Anonymous :
19 days ago :
No.5861
>>5865
>>5861
Oh hey the guy from the Not!/wg/ thread
>>5918>>5861
Based Notepad++ user.
>>5919>>5861
well I quite like it but I can't claim to understand it.
the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy, though.
>>5860
>>5631
I agree with the other anon that one of the only obvious things to improve (from a non-painter) is the background. The figures are really sharp and distinct with a good sense of movement, but the background is muddy and swallows them towards the bottom so that the bottom third lacks much depth. It doesn't help that the figures go off the canvas and that their legs are indistinct, making them feel unrooted. It makes me think of Fight with Cudgels by Goya crossed with this mural I saw in a dumpling place recently, pic related (I guess just for the claustrophobic composition in style of the faces, now that I've found a photo of it).
And pic related is something I wrote. I wrote down a bit about the process in >>5506, and I'd be happy to hear thoughts or critique.
It was written for a reading, so I posted a recording here:
https://vocaroo.com/1uOhG8psA6ds
Anonymous :
18 days ago :
No.5919
>>5922
>>5919
Hey, thanks.
>the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy
Could you elaborate on that? I have a habit of writing sing-song-y lines and it sounds like I went too far trying to avoid that, because some of the effects in that line/passage were pretty deliberate.
>I can't claim to understand it
I'm often on the fence about how overt I want to be with meaning, and about how deliberate my choices should be (some symbols are very intentional, some are simply meant to be poignant like in a dream sense). I don't really shoot for the audience to "get it" so much as feel some effect and have a dense set of objects to work with. However the idea was initially intended for something much longer, and even in this version there was a bit more I meant to do before I ran against a length limit.
The basic idea was about a loss of identity (and dissociation) by isolating/defining oneself with/through one's work, using the structure of said work to avoid having to take risks or make serious choices. The idea of the mixed/scattered papers was supposed to be about the loss of pattern and order to the days without external motivation (symbol of the birds scattering (an augur), the spider getting lost in the notes). The playground paragraph is about the fear of risk (and the other fears behind that), and the one from the backseat of the car is another memory, but about allowing oneself to be a passenger in one's own life, being out of control and unaware of the destination and unable to read the signs along the way (like a young child in a car); I meant for another memory paragraph to drive the pattern home, and meant for them to be going earlier and earlier in life. In the end it's the character following himself up the stairs (reverse of the descent at the beginning, the impression of trying to rediscover meaning, walking into the distance/future (symbolised by orange)), losing track of himself, then being unable to recognise himself or his old work. That last paragraph I wanted to be like a parent leading a child around, but really just an outside view of the same character, carrying on from the car memory and gaining some ambiguity from it. Again, orange for distance/future, and green for something about choice/uncertainty (I feel I used the colours too loosely in the playground memory, but oh well).
The original idea was something about a delirious character in the middle of a heatwave and the smog of distant wildfires. A forced vacation the loss of structure from work leaves him to unravel. Some obsession with an event he can't remember, a weirdo third-party he trusts who claims to understand, again mixed-up notes.
>>5926
>>5861
well I quite like it but I can't claim to understand it.
the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy, though.
Anonymous :
17 days ago :
No.5922
>>5926 >>5938
>>5922
Hi, I wanted to come back and expand on what I had to say since you have been very generous in this thread and I was very brusque.
Firstly: what do I glean from this text? Here is what I comprehend:
An office worker is distracted at work. Is he ill? He leaves the office on his bosses' suggestion.
Flashback to childhood. A serene vignette of childish adventure, but an incongruous reference to water-bombers throws the previous scene into a new relief. Was the orange haze a forest fire? But curiously there no other reference to fire in this recollection? The bomber flies beyond the treeline. Perhaps the fire is unseen.
Return to present. Our narrator is heading home. Why does he descend so many steps after heading outside? The numbers seem important.
At home, the narrator is feverish. But also, it really is hot. Perhaps this is just a heatwave. When the fever, or the actual weather, breaks, it is also like a heatwave breaking. The air smells clean. Was it, then, a real fire? Or one imagined by an overheated brain?
A car journey. Is this childhood again? Driven through corridors? Quite surreal. Huge white sign. Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Counting steps again. I still can't place this as the man or the boy. If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
-----
So given this incomplete comprehension, what do I like about the text?
I like some of the descriptive language. I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph. Starting at the horizon, the attention is drawn back through the window and onto the self, as if the very focal point of the camera is pulled through the skull into the brain. I like the personified elevator, "beeping off the floors". I like the word "tumid".
I like the description of that curious fear you get as a child when climbing things. Of not wanting to leap even a little bit when returning to the ground. Of noticing strange things, maybe for the first time ever. Like planes that drink from lakes.
The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way. The motif of orange light, orange wash. Counting steps. It's compelling. I wish I could parse out why it matters.
As for things I don't like. The detritus sentence stuck out to me as ugly because you switch from describing sheets of paper, then generalise/abstract to referring them to detritus (arbitrary, irrelevant debris), then go back to considering them as sheets of paper again when you talk about the dates on the top. If you're calling them detritus you already don't care enough to think about the dates. Something like 'Scattered pages' would work better in my mind.
I think the parenthetical 'the ones just below' is not necessary and detrimental to the rhythm of the opening, which is essentially lyrical in nature.
And yeah, I don't understand it. Which makes it hard to connect with fully. But as you can see I think it's rather good anyway.
>>5919
>>5861
well I quite like it but I can't claim to understand it.
the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy, though.
Hey, thanks.
>the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy
Could you elaborate on that? I have a habit of writing sing-song-y lines and it sounds like I went too far trying to avoid that, because some of the effects in that line/passage were pretty deliberate.
>I can't claim to understand it
I'm often on the fence about how overt I want to be with meaning, and about how deliberate my choices should be (some symbols are very intentional, some are simply meant to be poignant like in a dream sense). I don't really shoot for the audience to "get it" so much as feel some effect and have a dense set of objects to work with. However the idea was initially intended for something much longer, and even in this version there was a bit more I meant to do before I ran against a length limit.
The basic idea was about a loss of identity (and dissociation) by isolating/defining oneself with/through one's work, using the structure of said work to avoid having to take risks or make serious choices. The idea of the mixed/scattered papers was supposed to be about the loss of pattern and order to the days without external motivation (symbol of the birds scattering (an augur), the spider getting lost in the notes). The playground paragraph is about the fear of risk (and the other fears behind that), and the one from the backseat of the car is another memory, but about allowing oneself to be a passenger in one's own life, being out of control and unaware of the destination and unable to read the signs along the way (like a young child in a car); I meant for another memory paragraph to drive the pattern home, and meant for them to be going earlier and earlier in life. In the end it's the character following himself up the stairs (reverse of the descent at the beginning, the impression of trying to rediscover meaning, walking into the distance/future (symbolised by orange)), losing track of himself, then being unable to recognise himself or his old work. That last paragraph I wanted to be like a parent leading a child around, but really just an outside view of the same character, carrying on from the car memory and gaining some ambiguity from it. Again, orange for distance/future, and green for something about choice/uncertainty (I feel I used the colours too loosely in the playground memory, but oh well).
The original idea was something about a delirious character in the middle of a heatwave and the smog of distant wildfires. A forced vacation the loss of structure from work leaves him to unravel. Some obsession with an event he can't remember, a weirdo third-party he trusts who claims to understand, again mixed-up notes.
Anonymous :
17 days ago :
No.5926
>>5927
>>5926
I like explaining my work and my approach, especially considering I don't expect the audience to make it out entirely or in the same way. You sound like a huge baby.
>>5930>>5926
>>5928
So you're not going to say anything about the piece itself? And you're not going to post your own writing either?
I don't understand dismissing readers who don't entirely understand your writing. I think it's an artistic challenge to make something that can appeal to a casual audience and to a more discerning one simultaneously, which you can do through things like the appeal of the language and layering of ideas. There's always going to be some limit to this, but I personally want to leave the audience with something and not be completely alienating, such that they at least have the feeling that something is going on under the surface. To be told he liked it even if he didn't understand it is significant to me. And if something sounded wrong (e.g., clumsy) why not ask why? Asking doesn't mean I'm going to abandon what I wrote or change it at all, it's that I care about what it reveals to me about my writing.
Discussing (or even just explaining) meaning and interpretation is fun. Acting it's a concession is boring and smug. That's dilettante shit.
>>5919
>>5861
well I quite like it but I can't claim to understand it.
the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy, though.
>his writing has to sound like a technical manual or else it's "confusing"
Leaving this genre of reader in the dust in 2025, tbh. I'm done with explaining myself a la >>5922>>5919
Hey, thanks.
>the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy
Could you elaborate on that? I have a habit of writing sing-song-y lines and it sounds like I went too far trying to avoid that, because some of the effects in that line/passage were pretty deliberate.
>I can't claim to understand it
I'm often on the fence about how overt I want to be with meaning, and about how deliberate my choices should be (some symbols are very intentional, some are simply meant to be poignant like in a dream sense). I don't really shoot for the audience to "get it" so much as feel some effect and have a dense set of objects to work with. However the idea was initially intended for something much longer, and even in this version there was a bit more I meant to do before I ran against a length limit.
The basic idea was about a loss of identity (and dissociation) by isolating/defining oneself with/through one's work, using the structure of said work to avoid having to take risks or make serious choices. The idea of the mixed/scattered papers was supposed to be about the loss of pattern and order to the days without external motivation (symbol of the birds scattering (an augur), the spider getting lost in the notes). The playground paragraph is about the fear of risk (and the other fears behind that), and the one from the backseat of the car is another memory, but about allowing oneself to be a passenger in one's own life, being out of control and unaware of the destination and unable to read the signs along the way (like a young child in a car); I meant for another memory paragraph to drive the pattern home, and meant for them to be going earlier and earlier in life. In the end it's the character following himself up the stairs (reverse of the descent at the beginning, the impression of trying to rediscover meaning, walking into the distance/future (symbolised by orange)), losing track of himself, then being unable to recognise himself or his old work. That last paragraph I wanted to be like a parent leading a child around, but really just an outside view of the same character, carrying on from the car memory and gaining some ambiguity from it. Again, orange for distance/future, and green for something about choice/uncertainty (I feel I used the colours too loosely in the playground memory, but oh well).
The original idea was something about a delirious character in the middle of a heatwave and the smog of distant wildfires. A forced vacation the loss of structure from work leaves him to unravel. Some obsession with an event he can't remember, a weirdo third-party he trusts who claims to understand, again mixed-up notes.
with paragraphs upon paragraphs of pleading and prostrating
>>5926
I like explaining my work and my approach, especially considering I don't expect the audience to make it out entirely or in the same way. You sound like a huge baby.
Anonymous :
17 days ago :
No.5928
>>5930
>>5926
>>5928
So you're not going to say anything about the piece itself? And you're not going to post your own writing either?
I don't understand dismissing readers who don't entirely understand your writing. I think it's an artistic challenge to make something that can appeal to a casual audience and to a more discerning one simultaneously, which you can do through things like the appeal of the language and layering of ideas. There's always going to be some limit to this, but I personally want to leave the audience with something and not be completely alienating, such that they at least have the feeling that something is going on under the surface. To be told he liked it even if he didn't understand it is significant to me. And if something sounded wrong (e.g., clumsy) why not ask why? Asking doesn't mean I'm going to abandon what I wrote or change it at all, it's that I care about what it reveals to me about my writing.
Discussing (or even just explaining) meaning and interpretation is fun. Acting it's a concession is boring and smug. That's dilettante shit.
You'll see it's a waste of time and keystrokes later on in life
>>5926
>>5928
You'll see it's a waste of time and keystrokes later on in life
So you're not going to say anything about the piece itself? And you're not going to post your own writing either?
I don't understand dismissing readers who don't entirely understand your writing. I think it's an artistic challenge to make something that can appeal to a casual audience and to a more discerning one simultaneously, which you can do through things like the appeal of the language and layering of ideas. There's always going to be some limit to this, but I personally want to leave the audience with something and not be completely alienating, such that they at least have the feeling that something is going on under the surface. To be told he liked it even if he didn't understand it is significant to me. And if something sounded wrong (e.g., clumsy) why not ask why? Asking doesn't mean I'm going to abandon what I wrote or change it at all, it's that I care about what it reveals to me about my writing.
Discussing (or even just explaining) meaning and interpretation is fun. Acting it's a concession is boring and smug. That's dilettante shit.
Anonymous :
16 days ago :
No.5938
>>5939
>>5938
p.s. I kinda deliberately ignored what you wrote in this comment so I could try and expand upon what I was feeling when I wrote my original post. I'll read it now and add another post if I have more to say after that.
>>5942>>5938
>>5939
>>5940
Hey, appreciated.
>I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph.
Thanks. I put a lot of focus on that and was settled for a while before starting that I wanted to start with the word "orange" and pull back into the room.
>the parenthetical
The lyrical aspect of it was meant to be broken by the parenthetical, in part because I'm sensitive now to going too long with flow-y language, and that jump-in is where I decided I'd break things up and make the shrinking of the view clearer and a little abrupt (imagining suddenly looking down from a high window).
>Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Ah, not what I intended at all, just a billboard on the side of the highway. I realise now the setting is something that was much clearer in my mind than in what I wrote. Mentally, all those childhood scenes were imagined around a town in Northwestern Ontario, with the adult ones in a larger Canadian city. In the former you do have water bombers flying overhead to distant fires (much more mundane there), and lots of narrow, lonely highways through endless forest. In the latter you can have really bad smog from distant forest fires in the summer. The fires are all real anyway, just distant in the first memory (and absent in the last). I made some vague attempts at making the distinction in setting---forest and houses in the memories, heights and big buildings and apartments in the present---but not many obvious ones.
The point with the water bomber was a very distant, unobserved forest fire. Originally it was the orange thing in that scene, but I kinda forced the colour on the school to maybe imply something about the future as structured but confining, and at odds with the things outside of it. I think that was a dubious choice. No fire in the last memory, just green in the forest, with that and the rain (that wiped out the orange smog) as entering an uncertain period (but still following a line).
>The numbers seem important.
Nothing specific about the numbers themselves. People are just very responsive to numbers and patterns (and breaking them), so it draws a lot of emphasis. The stairs down are disorganised or broken, but the stairs up are clear and regular but obscuring. A rough descent, an easy but blind ascent.
>Detritus
I see what you mean now, that's a good point. The way it's written is sort of inverted idea-wise. I was focused on the slant rhyme between "touch" and "detritus" and the other sound devices, and I didn't think about how the image/idea was building. "Detritus" definitely ends up mostly negated.
>The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way.
Thanks. Yeah, the focus was on the delirium and oppression of the character, so I do take the headache as a compliment.
>If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
Technical papers and derivations are what were on my mind (tried implying it in the opening paragraph, in part from the setting, in part from errors and unfinished lines), and they definitely become hard to parse if you're away from them a while or they're messy. The inability to read it is meant to be likened to an illiterate child, so yeah, man and boy simultaneously. I really like the idea of a contract here.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
>>5922
>>5919
Hey, thanks.
>the sentence starting 'Detritus' is quite clumsy
Could you elaborate on that? I have a habit of writing sing-song-y lines and it sounds like I went too far trying to avoid that, because some of the effects in that line/passage were pretty deliberate.
>I can't claim to understand it
I'm often on the fence about how overt I want to be with meaning, and about how deliberate my choices should be (some symbols are very intentional, some are simply meant to be poignant like in a dream sense). I don't really shoot for the audience to "get it" so much as feel some effect and have a dense set of objects to work with. However the idea was initially intended for something much longer, and even in this version there was a bit more I meant to do before I ran against a length limit.
The basic idea was about a loss of identity (and dissociation) by isolating/defining oneself with/through one's work, using the structure of said work to avoid having to take risks or make serious choices. The idea of the mixed/scattered papers was supposed to be about the loss of pattern and order to the days without external motivation (symbol of the birds scattering (an augur), the spider getting lost in the notes). The playground paragraph is about the fear of risk (and the other fears behind that), and the one from the backseat of the car is another memory, but about allowing oneself to be a passenger in one's own life, being out of control and unaware of the destination and unable to read the signs along the way (like a young child in a car); I meant for another memory paragraph to drive the pattern home, and meant for them to be going earlier and earlier in life. In the end it's the character following himself up the stairs (reverse of the descent at the beginning, the impression of trying to rediscover meaning, walking into the distance/future (symbolised by orange)), losing track of himself, then being unable to recognise himself or his old work. That last paragraph I wanted to be like a parent leading a child around, but really just an outside view of the same character, carrying on from the car memory and gaining some ambiguity from it. Again, orange for distance/future, and green for something about choice/uncertainty (I feel I used the colours too loosely in the playground memory, but oh well).
The original idea was something about a delirious character in the middle of a heatwave and the smog of distant wildfires. A forced vacation the loss of structure from work leaves him to unravel. Some obsession with an event he can't remember, a weirdo third-party he trusts who claims to understand, again mixed-up notes.
Hi, I wanted to come back and expand on what I had to say since you have been very generous in this thread and I was very brusque.
Firstly: what do I glean from this text? Here is what I comprehend:
An office worker is distracted at work. Is he ill? He leaves the office on his bosses' suggestion.
Flashback to childhood. A serene vignette of childish adventure, but an incongruous reference to water-bombers throws the previous scene into a new relief. Was the orange haze a forest fire? But curiously there no other reference to fire in this recollection? The bomber flies beyond the treeline. Perhaps the fire is unseen.
Return to present. Our narrator is heading home. Why does he descend so many steps after heading outside? The numbers seem important.
At home, the narrator is feverish. But also, it really is hot. Perhaps this is just a heatwave. When the fever, or the actual weather, breaks, it is also like a heatwave breaking. The air smells clean. Was it, then, a real fire? Or one imagined by an overheated brain?
A car journey. Is this childhood again? Driven through corridors? Quite surreal. Huge white sign. Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Counting steps again. I still can't place this as the man or the boy. If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
-----
So given this incomplete comprehension, what do I like about the text?
I like some of the descriptive language. I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph. Starting at the horizon, the attention is drawn back through the window and onto the self, as if the very focal point of the camera is pulled through the skull into the brain. I like the personified elevator, "beeping off the floors". I like the word "tumid".
I like the description of that curious fear you get as a child when climbing things. Of not wanting to leap even a little bit when returning to the ground. Of noticing strange things, maybe for the first time ever. Like planes that drink from lakes.
The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way. The motif of orange light, orange wash. Counting steps. It's compelling. I wish I could parse out why it matters.
As for things I don't like. The detritus sentence stuck out to me as ugly because you switch from describing sheets of paper, then generalise/abstract to referring them to detritus (arbitrary, irrelevant debris), then go back to considering them as sheets of paper again when you talk about the dates on the top. If you're calling them detritus you already don't care enough to think about the dates. Something like 'Scattered pages' would work better in my mind.
I think the parenthetical 'the ones just below' is not necessary and detrimental to the rhythm of the opening, which is essentially lyrical in nature.
And yeah, I don't understand it. Which makes it hard to connect with fully. But as you can see I think it's rather good anyway.
Anonymous :
16 days ago :
No.5939
>>5940
>>5939
ok it seems like maybe I picked up a little bit more than I thought, but definitely didn't get it fully? As you suggest, I didn't notice the orange/green dichotomy in the playground section though I suppose it's there now I read it again.
Anyway hope you appreciate the longer response.
>>5942>>5938
>>5939
>>5940
Hey, appreciated.
>I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph.
Thanks. I put a lot of focus on that and was settled for a while before starting that I wanted to start with the word "orange" and pull back into the room.
>the parenthetical
The lyrical aspect of it was meant to be broken by the parenthetical, in part because I'm sensitive now to going too long with flow-y language, and that jump-in is where I decided I'd break things up and make the shrinking of the view clearer and a little abrupt (imagining suddenly looking down from a high window).
>Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Ah, not what I intended at all, just a billboard on the side of the highway. I realise now the setting is something that was much clearer in my mind than in what I wrote. Mentally, all those childhood scenes were imagined around a town in Northwestern Ontario, with the adult ones in a larger Canadian city. In the former you do have water bombers flying overhead to distant fires (much more mundane there), and lots of narrow, lonely highways through endless forest. In the latter you can have really bad smog from distant forest fires in the summer. The fires are all real anyway, just distant in the first memory (and absent in the last). I made some vague attempts at making the distinction in setting---forest and houses in the memories, heights and big buildings and apartments in the present---but not many obvious ones.
The point with the water bomber was a very distant, unobserved forest fire. Originally it was the orange thing in that scene, but I kinda forced the colour on the school to maybe imply something about the future as structured but confining, and at odds with the things outside of it. I think that was a dubious choice. No fire in the last memory, just green in the forest, with that and the rain (that wiped out the orange smog) as entering an uncertain period (but still following a line).
>The numbers seem important.
Nothing specific about the numbers themselves. People are just very responsive to numbers and patterns (and breaking them), so it draws a lot of emphasis. The stairs down are disorganised or broken, but the stairs up are clear and regular but obscuring. A rough descent, an easy but blind ascent.
>Detritus
I see what you mean now, that's a good point. The way it's written is sort of inverted idea-wise. I was focused on the slant rhyme between "touch" and "detritus" and the other sound devices, and I didn't think about how the image/idea was building. "Detritus" definitely ends up mostly negated.
>The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way.
Thanks. Yeah, the focus was on the delirium and oppression of the character, so I do take the headache as a compliment.
>If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
Technical papers and derivations are what were on my mind (tried implying it in the opening paragraph, in part from the setting, in part from errors and unfinished lines), and they definitely become hard to parse if you're away from them a while or they're messy. The inability to read it is meant to be likened to an illiterate child, so yeah, man and boy simultaneously. I really like the idea of a contract here.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
>>5938
>>5922
Hi, I wanted to come back and expand on what I had to say since you have been very generous in this thread and I was very brusque.
Firstly: what do I glean from this text? Here is what I comprehend:
An office worker is distracted at work. Is he ill? He leaves the office on his bosses' suggestion.
Flashback to childhood. A serene vignette of childish adventure, but an incongruous reference to water-bombers throws the previous scene into a new relief. Was the orange haze a forest fire? But curiously there no other reference to fire in this recollection? The bomber flies beyond the treeline. Perhaps the fire is unseen.
Return to present. Our narrator is heading home. Why does he descend so many steps after heading outside? The numbers seem important.
At home, the narrator is feverish. But also, it really is hot. Perhaps this is just a heatwave. When the fever, or the actual weather, breaks, it is also like a heatwave breaking. The air smells clean. Was it, then, a real fire? Or one imagined by an overheated brain?
A car journey. Is this childhood again? Driven through corridors? Quite surreal. Huge white sign. Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Counting steps again. I still can't place this as the man or the boy. If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
-----
So given this incomplete comprehension, what do I like about the text?
I like some of the descriptive language. I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph. Starting at the horizon, the attention is drawn back through the window and onto the self, as if the very focal point of the camera is pulled through the skull into the brain. I like the personified elevator, "beeping off the floors". I like the word "tumid".
I like the description of that curious fear you get as a child when climbing things. Of not wanting to leap even a little bit when returning to the ground. Of noticing strange things, maybe for the first time ever. Like planes that drink from lakes.
The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way. The motif of orange light, orange wash. Counting steps. It's compelling. I wish I could parse out why it matters.
As for things I don't like. The detritus sentence stuck out to me as ugly because you switch from describing sheets of paper, then generalise/abstract to referring them to detritus (arbitrary, irrelevant debris), then go back to considering them as sheets of paper again when you talk about the dates on the top. If you're calling them detritus you already don't care enough to think about the dates. Something like 'Scattered pages' would work better in my mind.
I think the parenthetical 'the ones just below' is not necessary and detrimental to the rhythm of the opening, which is essentially lyrical in nature.
And yeah, I don't understand it. Which makes it hard to connect with fully. But as you can see I think it's rather good anyway.
p.s. I kinda deliberately ignored what you wrote in this comment so I could try and expand upon what I was feeling when I wrote my original post. I'll read it now and add another post if I have more to say after that.
Anonymous :
16 days ago :
No.5940
>>5942
>>5938
>>5939
>>5940
Hey, appreciated.
>I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph.
Thanks. I put a lot of focus on that and was settled for a while before starting that I wanted to start with the word "orange" and pull back into the room.
>the parenthetical
The lyrical aspect of it was meant to be broken by the parenthetical, in part because I'm sensitive now to going too long with flow-y language, and that jump-in is where I decided I'd break things up and make the shrinking of the view clearer and a little abrupt (imagining suddenly looking down from a high window).
>Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Ah, not what I intended at all, just a billboard on the side of the highway. I realise now the setting is something that was much clearer in my mind than in what I wrote. Mentally, all those childhood scenes were imagined around a town in Northwestern Ontario, with the adult ones in a larger Canadian city. In the former you do have water bombers flying overhead to distant fires (much more mundane there), and lots of narrow, lonely highways through endless forest. In the latter you can have really bad smog from distant forest fires in the summer. The fires are all real anyway, just distant in the first memory (and absent in the last). I made some vague attempts at making the distinction in setting---forest and houses in the memories, heights and big buildings and apartments in the present---but not many obvious ones.
The point with the water bomber was a very distant, unobserved forest fire. Originally it was the orange thing in that scene, but I kinda forced the colour on the school to maybe imply something about the future as structured but confining, and at odds with the things outside of it. I think that was a dubious choice. No fire in the last memory, just green in the forest, with that and the rain (that wiped out the orange smog) as entering an uncertain period (but still following a line).
>The numbers seem important.
Nothing specific about the numbers themselves. People are just very responsive to numbers and patterns (and breaking them), so it draws a lot of emphasis. The stairs down are disorganised or broken, but the stairs up are clear and regular but obscuring. A rough descent, an easy but blind ascent.
>Detritus
I see what you mean now, that's a good point. The way it's written is sort of inverted idea-wise. I was focused on the slant rhyme between "touch" and "detritus" and the other sound devices, and I didn't think about how the image/idea was building. "Detritus" definitely ends up mostly negated.
>The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way.
Thanks. Yeah, the focus was on the delirium and oppression of the character, so I do take the headache as a compliment.
>If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
Technical papers and derivations are what were on my mind (tried implying it in the opening paragraph, in part from the setting, in part from errors and unfinished lines), and they definitely become hard to parse if you're away from them a while or they're messy. The inability to read it is meant to be likened to an illiterate child, so yeah, man and boy simultaneously. I really like the idea of a contract here.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
>>5939
>>5938
p.s. I kinda deliberately ignored what you wrote in this comment so I could try and expand upon what I was feeling when I wrote my original post. I'll read it now and add another post if I have more to say after that.
ok it seems like maybe I picked up a little bit more than I thought, but definitely didn't get it fully? As you suggest, I didn't notice the orange/green dichotomy in the playground section though I suppose it's there now I read it again.
Anyway hope you appreciate the longer response.
>>5938
>>5922
Hi, I wanted to come back and expand on what I had to say since you have been very generous in this thread and I was very brusque.
Firstly: what do I glean from this text? Here is what I comprehend:
An office worker is distracted at work. Is he ill? He leaves the office on his bosses' suggestion.
Flashback to childhood. A serene vignette of childish adventure, but an incongruous reference to water-bombers throws the previous scene into a new relief. Was the orange haze a forest fire? But curiously there no other reference to fire in this recollection? The bomber flies beyond the treeline. Perhaps the fire is unseen.
Return to present. Our narrator is heading home. Why does he descend so many steps after heading outside? The numbers seem important.
At home, the narrator is feverish. But also, it really is hot. Perhaps this is just a heatwave. When the fever, or the actual weather, breaks, it is also like a heatwave breaking. The air smells clean. Was it, then, a real fire? Or one imagined by an overheated brain?
A car journey. Is this childhood again? Driven through corridors? Quite surreal. Huge white sign. Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Counting steps again. I still can't place this as the man or the boy. If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
-----
So given this incomplete comprehension, what do I like about the text?
I like some of the descriptive language. I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph. Starting at the horizon, the attention is drawn back through the window and onto the self, as if the very focal point of the camera is pulled through the skull into the brain. I like the personified elevator, "beeping off the floors". I like the word "tumid".
I like the description of that curious fear you get as a child when climbing things. Of not wanting to leap even a little bit when returning to the ground. Of noticing strange things, maybe for the first time ever. Like planes that drink from lakes.
The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way. The motif of orange light, orange wash. Counting steps. It's compelling. I wish I could parse out why it matters.
As for things I don't like. The detritus sentence stuck out to me as ugly because you switch from describing sheets of paper, then generalise/abstract to referring them to detritus (arbitrary, irrelevant debris), then go back to considering them as sheets of paper again when you talk about the dates on the top. If you're calling them detritus you already don't care enough to think about the dates. Something like 'Scattered pages' would work better in my mind.
I think the parenthetical 'the ones just below' is not necessary and detrimental to the rhythm of the opening, which is essentially lyrical in nature.
And yeah, I don't understand it. Which makes it hard to connect with fully. But as you can see I think it's rather good anyway.
>>5939>>5938
p.s. I kinda deliberately ignored what you wrote in this comment so I could try and expand upon what I was feeling when I wrote my original post. I'll read it now and add another post if I have more to say after that.
>>5940>>5939
ok it seems like maybe I picked up a little bit more than I thought, but definitely didn't get it fully? As you suggest, I didn't notice the orange/green dichotomy in the playground section though I suppose it's there now I read it again.
Anyway hope you appreciate the longer response.
Hey, appreciated.
>I especially like the cinematic pulled-focus in the first paragraph.
Thanks. I put a lot of focus on that and was settled for a while before starting that I wanted to start with the word "orange" and pull back into the room.
>the parenthetical
The lyrical aspect of it was meant to be broken by the parenthetical, in part because I'm sensitive now to going too long with flow-y language, and that jump-in is where I decided I'd break things up and make the shrinking of the view clearer and a little abrupt (imagining suddenly looking down from a high window).
>Hollywood, surely? Then I suppose it was a real fire after all.
Ah, not what I intended at all, just a billboard on the side of the highway. I realise now the setting is something that was much clearer in my mind than in what I wrote. Mentally, all those childhood scenes were imagined around a town in Northwestern Ontario, with the adult ones in a larger Canadian city. In the former you do have water bombers flying overhead to distant fires (much more mundane there), and lots of narrow, lonely highways through endless forest. In the latter you can have really bad smog from distant forest fires in the summer. The fires are all real anyway, just distant in the first memory (and absent in the last). I made some vague attempts at making the distinction in setting---forest and houses in the memories, heights and big buildings and apartments in the present---but not many obvious ones.
The point with the water bomber was a very distant, unobserved forest fire. Originally it was the orange thing in that scene, but I kinda forced the colour on the school to maybe imply something about the future as structured but confining, and at odds with the things outside of it. I think that was a dubious choice. No fire in the last memory, just green in the forest, with that and the rain (that wiped out the orange smog) as entering an uncertain period (but still following a line).
>The numbers seem important.
Nothing specific about the numbers themselves. People are just very responsive to numbers and patterns (and breaking them), so it draws a lot of emphasis. The stairs down are disorganised or broken, but the stairs up are clear and regular but obscuring. A rough descent, an easy but blind ascent.
>Detritus
I see what you mean now, that's a good point. The way it's written is sort of inverted idea-wise. I was focused on the slant rhyme between "touch" and "detritus" and the other sound devices, and I didn't think about how the image/idea was building. "Detritus" definitely ends up mostly negated.
>The general haze and unreality. I can almost feel a headache coming on myself. I mean that in a good way.
Thanks. Yeah, the focus was on the delirium and oppression of the character, so I do take the headache as a compliment.
>If it's the man, why can't he read? Is this a contract? I'm altogether lost.
Technical papers and derivations are what were on my mind (tried implying it in the opening paragraph, in part from the setting, in part from errors and unfinished lines), and they definitely become hard to parse if you're away from them a while or they're messy. The inability to read it is meant to be likened to an illiterate child, so yeah, man and boy simultaneously. I really like the idea of a contract here.
Thanks for all your thoughts.
Posted this one to a thread on /lit/. When I read it aloud to myself and get to ". . ." I tap my thumb.
And here's something I posted to /lit/ a while ago but got to revising the other day.
Anonymous :
8 days ago :
No.6106
>>6107
>>6106
>low res
They open in a new tab then when I click them they scale to 100% and look just as they do when I write and read them in my text editor normally. They'll only be blurry if you look at them at some fractional scaling.
>they're smartphone-shaped too
Like a book is? Long lines like you get in the text boxes here are generally harder to read; the recommendation I go off is 45-90 characters per line (https://practicaltypography.com/line-length.html).
>>6116>>6106
Yeah, shit's so bad. Today I decided to check out the library and I swear just about every book in there was smartphone-shaped. I went up to one of the librarians and asked her what they did with all the books from before they started making them smartphone-shaped and she didn't even know what I meant! What a dumb bitch. Luckily I managed to find something to suit my needs, pic related. Should keep me busy for a few weeks. You might like it, has nice big letters too.
>not just low-res screenshots of text but they're smartphone-shaped too
A hell of our own making
>>6106
>not just low-res screenshots of text but they're smartphone-shaped too
A hell of our own making
>low res
They open in a new tab then when I click them they scale to 100% and look just as they do when I write and read them in my text editor normally. They'll only be blurry if you look at them at some fractional scaling.
>they're smartphone-shaped too
Like a book is? Long lines like you get in the text boxes here are generally harder to read; the recommendation I go off is 45-90 characters per line (https://practicaltypography.com/line-length.html).
>>6106
>not just low-res screenshots of text but they're smartphone-shaped too
A hell of our own making
Yeah, shit's so bad. Today I decided to check out the library and I swear just about every book in there was smartphone-shaped. I went up to one of the librarians and asked her what they did with all the books from before they started making them smartphone-shaped and she didn't even know what I meant! What a dumb bitch. Luckily I managed to find something to suit my needs, pic related. Should keep me busy for a few weeks. You might like it, has nice big letters too.